Dear...

Dear JCT

Dear JCT,

One of the many struggles in life come from you. Why? It's probably because of the judgments and criticisms, the times I never felt loved by you (or perhaps not the right type of love) or maybe when you get mad at me even when I didn't do anything wrong.

One of the ongoing frustrations I have with you is when you say one thing and the next you tell me another. Those times when I'm moody and don't want to socialize with others, you call me out on it expecting me either to show no emotion or be happy. When I play with my brothers and we fight, you say it shouldn't be so. But at the same time when We do get along and have fun with each other, you get mad because we're too loud? I don't get it! What right and what is wrong? To be honest, I think this is one of the reasons I've been cautious around you, I don't tell you much of anything personal, we didn't have that familiar bond we should've had.

I can't stand when you judge me. When we go out and you immediately judge what I wear. May I remind you that my fashion sense isn't the same as what you grew up with? Since I don't like going shopping for clothes, every time you suggest clothes, all I do is say no because that's not me and more importantly it's a style I think is outdated for my generation. I sound like such a brat, but I need you to know this from the bottom of my heart. Because the reality is that you hurt me by judging what I wear like I'm not presentable or I will make a shame of our family if I went out in public.

What sucks the most is... when I don't feel as loved by you. Remember those "could be" times we could've played board games together? Whenever I would ask you, you would always say no or you were busy. You never wanted to play with me. Have you ever thought that maybe my love language as a kid was to have quality time together doing things I enjoy? Because now that I'm older, I want my independence and now, we don't have a tight knit relationship. Now, it's hard to approach you for that time. I wouldn't know how to bond. I'm sorry.

But I don't blame all of these issues on you alone. All relationships are built on two people's interactions. So I must have done something to trigger these different scenarios. I just don't really know what they are. Though I'm struggle with these issues often with you, you didn't raise me up all wrong either.

You did amazing things as well. I always ask myself how you were able to raise four kids - responsible, caring, helpful, loving, opinionated but accepting, never troublemakers nor rebellious. I rarely ask this, but I have asked it before: what would happen if I had someone else's mother? How would I have been raised? You are an amazing mother. Because when I saw my friends struggle to do things or get something they want (because of their parents), you wouldn't hesitate to allow us to go out or provide it. You are someone that would do anything for the happiness of your own children.

Most of all, you are the perfect mother God would be able to give to me. We may not get along all the time, but you are the reason why I've grown to be the hopeless romantic, stay at home girl, conservative, strong, independent, old school, simple girl I am. Without your guidance, I would've led a much different life now. So thank you. Thank you for being there when I was a pain (sorry!), thank you for supporting me in my athletic journey, thank you for trying ease my worries, thank you for feeding me food for 18 years of my life, thank you for working hard at home to give us what we need, thank you for silently suffering. Thank you!

I love you so much! Thank you for everything. Happy Birthday (today). May God bless you with many more years. I hope to see you real soon!

Love lots,
A