Dear...

Dear PMS

Dear PMS,

Emotions, emotions, emotions. It's either nothing can deter my happiness or every thing can alter my mood. But you have probably hit me the worst these past few days compared to all the other times I've decided to be extremely negative. I know I've hurt a lot of people because of it. I know I can't fully blame you because you are a part of me. I know this is only a phase - it will come to pass.

I'm the person that tries to make the best out of a situation. I'm learning to be more open to those I care about. To be more mature about situations. That's why I've come to realize these things.

But... I cant seem to shake that these mood swings have taken a toll on me the past few days, and it has affected people I'm with, too. I became an ugly friend. I always joked with her about me always having answer her questions. Teasing her whenever she was asking or being slow. In one quick second, I snapped. I ignored her when all she was doing was being a friend and accompanying me. I was annoyed, even beyond it to the point of anger. I didn't know it then, but that scared her. I transformed into this small monster who was pushing her away. Over the past few months, we've become so much closer and knew more about each other. The way she talked and said "etch" instead of "aytch" (h). The way that she would take her time in everything she would do. The way that she would always ask me the time because she didn't have a watch but I did. Just because of that one action to ignore her, it made her worry I wanted to stop being friends with her. But in truth, I didn't. Honestly, I hate myself for how I made her feel. She didn't deserve that reaction. She's always been so kind, caring, patient, helpful especially helping me in school (she's the one who finally taught me how to study for exams). After all of this, we ended up talking about it. With her kind spirit, she forgave me. No matter how many times she said it though, I  kept apologizing profusely. I DIDN'T deserve her forgiveness so easily. I was so horrible to her, all because I let my emotions get the best of me. I got annoyed. I got mad. But she wasn't the only one I hurt.

Today, for instance, I was with my brother and a friend. We had an amazing morning together. We went on an ATV ride. But another episode happened. He had accidentally stained my finals drawings in a DIY sketchbook. If it were the positive me on PMS, I would've brushed it off, tried to clean it, and if worse comes to worse I would have just made another one encouraging myself that I had enough time before submission tomorrow. Instead, I went silent again. I could see the guilt and sadness he felt for me. The mood between all three of us shifted. All because of me. I was so busy contemplating how to handle the situation that all happy vibes diminished. He tried fixing it by buying supplies to make the sketchbook again. I ended up crying because of the stress building up. It was a mess! The ride back was deafening, and I didn't know what to do. All I could do was wait for my professor to reply. A day that was supposed to be fun, turned nightmarish. Until... I got the message that tried to lift up my spirits, "you would get a deduction, but don't burden yourself making a completely new book". It gave me relief. But that GUILT came rushing back. I had affected a person negatively because of my uncontrolled emotions again. It was then, that I noticed how completely wrong I assessed the situation. I didn't need to shut them out. So, I had apologized but I knew deep down I hurt it. It hurt even worse to have made him cry. He's not a CRIER!

PMS, you've made it so difficult for me these past few days. I want to be better. I want to not have these lows. It's not worth hurting people you truly care about. Everything will be fixed. In God's grace and love, he will make it better. I'm thankful that I have a mighty God who helped me realize this. And got me through the struggles. I hope you don't come back striking as bad as thing. And if... it happens again, i hope I have the strength to overcome you. I am better than you, and I will be bigger than you.

I'm sorry
Love,
A