A New Beginning

Part 2, Out of Control

I wake up in a sweat with my heart racing. The burnt alive demon wolves were about to chase me off the mountain side. I turn over flipping on the light. I check my phone it's 4 a.m. and my best friends Roxie and Chloe had been talking in our group chat for about an hour. I decide to leave it alone for now and I go to my dad's room and fall back to sleep in his bed. Again I'm startled awake when I hear the door shut.
"Good morning Memzy, did you sleep well?"

"Yep" is all I reply before putting the pillow over my head.

"Do you want to come get breakfast with me?"

"I suppose" I say as I roll off the bed onto the floor. I lay for another minute while gathering the strength to stand up and put my glasses and shoes on. We head downstairs and past the pool towards the buffet.

"You should go for a swim today" my dad says while looking hopeful.

"Nah I'm good."

"Mackenzie exercise will help you feel better and since when do you turn down the chance to swim?"

"I just don't feel like it today" I snap at him.

"Sorry, I know you're just trying to help" I apologize.

"You should go see your friends today they always cheer you up."

"Last time I was with them you were put in jail for the night and we got separated with no contact for two weeks" I say bluntly.

"So I take that as a no, I would take you somewhere but I have class and need to sleep before work tonight."

"It's okay Dad really I'm fine" I lied with a smile.
We go enjoy breakfast and have a pleasant conversation until dad has to get ready for class. I get my homeschooling done for the day, then I have a panic attack because I start thinking about the last 2 months of my life and when that's done I start having a sob fest until I managed to force myself to calm down. People say bottling your feelings isn't healthy, but I wonder if any of them have ever gone through something that has broken their heart so much that they had to start dealing with new-found depression and anxiety. The way I see it is if you ignore it and pretend it's not there you don't have to deal with it. So I tell myself to stop being a wimp, grab my keys, and take a 40 minute drive to my favorite camping ground next to the lake. I sit on a picnic bench and stare out onto the water. I pull out my Bluetooth speaker and a Sketchbook and go to town drawing a picture. I stay until the sun starts to set then head home, well not home but the hotel. When I arrive Raven and her boyfriend Tristan are talking to my dad. Raven is 19 and when she had delt with Zoe's crap for as long as she could her and Tristan moved into their own apartment. One minute Rae and I are chatting, then the next minute we're one punch away from a full-on war.

"You don't even live with us you don't know what's happening or what I'm going through so stop acting like you're somehow a victim in all of this."

"It's your fault this is happening Mackenzie. If you weren't to big of a baby to talk to the police and told them what really happened that night then you wouldn't be a high school dropout living in a hotel."

I stand up and start towards her ready to knock a bitch out, but my dad gets in between us and tells Raven to leave. I keep my shit together long enough for her to leave the room but when the door closes I'm so full of rage I break down and cry.

"Mackenzie listen to me, look at me, none of this is your fault you did what I told you and you didn't talk to the police that's on me not you. Raven just doesn't know how to handle her anger and this isn't easy on her either."

"What do you mean this isn't easy on her? Zoe called the police on my birthday, she rehearsed her temper tantrum to use on you on me first. I was the one walking around town at midnight having a panic attack because I couldn't believe that Zoe and her parents lied to the cops about you being abusive when God knows, He knows it's Zoe that is absolutely insane and hurts us all. Ravens not the one who witnessed you bashing Zoe's phone in half because she was recording you. Ravens not the one kicked out of her house and legally separated from her family for weeks. She's not the one trying to hold you together, dad I have never seen you cry in my entire life and I have seen your heart break and you lose your composure when you look at me multiple times now. This isn't hard on Raven this is hard on me!" I scream at him.
I sit on my bed and start sobbing.
"I know, I know, I'm so sorry Mackenzie" he says as he rocks me trying to call me down.

I immediately start forcing the tears away. Again if you ignore the feelings they arent there right?