Just A Memory

Chapter 7

I'm waiting for the right moment I can make the voices go away. I feel like it's growing more weight on me everyday and it's more than I can take. I want the voices to just shut up and get out of my head. They make me tick and click and I can't sit still. I can't smile. I can't laugh. I can't do anything. Everything that was once so simple to do when Grace was here fell through my fingertips. I gave up on life. And life gave up on me. The only person I cared about is gone. She's gone and she's never coming back. And no amount of empathy you think you may have could place yourself in my shoes, because you don't know the pain of having the only person who loved you being so selfish as to kill themselves.
So what if I decide to be just as selfish? I don't have any more to live for. I tried finding something. ANYTHING. To make me feel something again. But I felt nothing. I was numb. I was oblivious. And I was vulnerable.
You want to know how to break a person? Tell them you love them and then leave everything you had behind. Crush them with your words and actions of hurt. The bridges will burn fast, but the pain will burn faster. The pain burns like the cigarette smoke at the bottom of your lungs. It burns like the way a fifth of vodka burns your throat and stomach as you down it.
Before she killed herself, I never would've been able to guess the ferocious monster I've become inside myself. My greatest enemy is the enemy within myself. And I finally surrender. I'm raising the white flag. I give up.

They all call me names at school. "Hey faggot." "You're so pathetic that you're not human." They push me and kick me and punch me and steal my things. I t could be worse. I know. But I can't take anymore.

So that's why I've taken the time to write you my story. I didn't include many details just to save you the horror that it is. This is my story. And this is the end of it. It won't go on any longer after the last word. Which word will be my last? I want my last word to mean something. Okay. I got it. The final sentence I will say before I'm dead...

I like cheese.

Totally kidding. Why would my last sentence be as pathetic as that. Actually, that was kind of funny. Hah. Bringing humor to my life moments before death. I'm so ironic.

As I'm standing here, my hand full of pills, I'm ready to retreat to my demons.
You may not see the pain you cause in people. But it's there. And I feel it. You may not know the consequences of doing something as dumb as taking your own life (but who am I to judge? I'm doing it too!). But your actions have an affect on people. And your actions hurt. I hope you enjoy my suffering.
My last sentence...
I overdosed on pain.