What Keeps You Alive

WKYA Chapter 6

On the way to breakfast, I stared out the window and thought about the previous night. I must have imagined the voice in the dark saying my name. After all no one had come out, and I'd even had Cav check everything out just in case. I didn't tell him about the voices though. My family had enough to worry about without adding  imaginary voices in my head to it. 

I shrugged my thoughts away and turned to smile at Declan while turning down the mirror in the car and fixing my hair into a much more presentable, messy bun. I swiped at the makeup under my eyes and then looked over and smiled at my breakfast date. He smiled back. 

I smirked. "Declan, why on earth do you think it's okay to barge into a girls bedroom at 6 AM to take her to breakfast?" 

He shrugged, "I guess I just wanted to see you before you cover all of your flaws. The physical and the emotional. I know there are things you hide from me, and I wanted an opportunity to share the burden. I figured that gettting you out of the house before you've had a chance to arm yourself would be the best way."

I sat thinking. He was right. When he started talking about secrets, my whole body tensed up. I wanted to be strong, but it was so hard to be strong and afraid at the same time. 

"Declan, what do you do when you're terrified, but you want so badly to be strong?" I whispered so softly I didn't know if he heard.

"You allow someone to share your fear and be your strength." 

I felt a tear drip from my eyelashes.

"I'm afraid to tell you." He reached over and swiped a tear from my cheek.

"Arya, there is nothing you could tell me that would make me stop liking you." His eyes burned into mine with a sincerity that set my soul alight. I broke the gaze and realized we had been sitting in the parking lot of the diner the whole time. 

"Why do you like me? Is it some hero worship thing? Because, I am no hero. I couldn't even save myself." I sniffled pathetically, terrified to hear the truth, but hanging on to the hope that it would be good.

"How about you tell me the story of how you became a sexy, compassionate, bad-a nurse, who can sew up a guy calmly in heels.., and I will get you some chocolate chip pancakes?"

I snapped out of my self pity and smiled. "How did you know I like chocolate chip pancakes?"

"Your brother told me." He smirked.

After we sat down in the back of the restaurant in a booth where I could face the wall, I started talking. 

"I've always had a good life. Loving family, good grades, the whole shebang. But we moved here because last year I got into some trouble." I took a deep breath. "I was the head cheerleader junior year, I was at the top of my game, everything was perfect. And then I met Alex. He was so handsome and had this beautiful smile and it completely disarmed me. So, everyone expected us to end up together, and we did. Then after a few months we got into our first fight, it was stupid. I wanted to get a chocolate shake when we went out with friends. He said he didn't want me eating sugar. So we argued a little and I won. I drank my shake happily and he sat pissed of the rest of the time. That night when he took me home, my parents were out of town for the weekend. Cav was out with friends, I tried to get him to kiss me goodnight and he wouldn't. I asked him to just get over the whole shake thing, and he slapped me. Hard. I was speechless and I tried to throw him out but I wasn't strong enough. I was scared then, he had this terrible look in his eyes. I ran up the stairs and when I reached the top he grabbed a fistful of my hair, he pulled back and threw me down the stairs. I hit the banister and it split my head open. I remember that he kicked me once in the stomach and I couldn't breath. I was bleeding all over the floor and that's when he called my brother. He told him that I had been grabbing a CD from my room when I fell down the stairs. Said that he'd take me to the local urgent care. Then he hung up and said that Cav would never believe me now.

"I believed him. I didn't tell anyone, I corroborated his story and no one ever wondered. After I got better he started pushing me around a little more. He told me that I was gaining weight and needed to stop eating. I kind of blew him off the first time he said it, I told him I'd cut back on the carbs a little bit. I mean, I was working my butt off, and his words hurt. Then, as I laughed it off, he punched me in the stomach. I lost my breath and he started laughing. Told me to be grateful that I was fat or it would have hurt a lot more. He said that if I didn't stop eating I would start getting beaten. So I stopped. I made up excuses to be away from the house so I wouldn't have to eat with the family. I didn't eat anything around Alex or my friends. It was easier than I thought it would be. Another couple weeks passed like that and I started to look emaciated. He told me it wouldn't look so bad if I dyed my hair blonde. My hair was my favorite thing in the whole world. It was almost this same color," I gestured to my hair, "but just richer and silkier, a rich auburn. It went down to my waist. He'd always told me he loved my hair. Now, he said that I had to dye it. When I refused, he kicked me in the ribs, he cracked a few. He had learned after that first time not to do damage where someone could see it.

"I told my mom the next day that I wanted to make it blonde. She was heartbroken, but so was I. We got it done and it looked fine, but It was just not me. Needless, to say Alex loved it. He brought home flowers and chocolates and colored contacts. He said my green eyes were not as attractive as blue would be. I didn't want to fight anymore, I put them in. He kissed me and I felt like maybe it could get better then. Instead, his beatings increased. Over the next few months I always hurt. I was at practice and then with Alex. He cut my family out of the equation completely. My grades started to suck, and I wanted out. About two weeks before christmas break my parents confronted me about my grades. They said the principal called. They told me that if I couldn't get them up, I'd have to break up with my boyfriend because he was distracting me too much. I was ecstatic, finally a good reason! So, the next day, I asked him to come over after school, my parents were going to be out of town for the evening and I thought it would be a good time to talk. He came over and we sat down. He kissed me and told me that I was beautiful, I wanted to believe him, but I had so many scars to prove otherwise. I told him my parents asked me to break up with him, to get my grades back on straight. He flew into a rage unlike anything I had ever seen. He threw lamps and at one point, me. He kicked me until I couldn't see anymore, he threw punches and slapped me. He rammed my head into the floor. I started begging. I begged him not to kill me. I told him that we could stay together. He laughed and said he would never kill me. There was still something he wanted that I hadn't given him. He grabbed me and pulled me up by my hair. I was so weak, I hadn't eaten anything in weeks and I was beaten. He dragged me up to my bedroom. He threw me on the bed and pulled out a knife. There was no threat for silence. He just stuck it in me. Stabbed it into my side. I screamed, I begged...and he started...he raped me." I wasn't crying, it felt a little bit good to get it all off my chest. "When he was done, he said that he'd see me the next day. I couldn't move. I passed out for a few minutes and then I heard a door slam. I was so scared that he was coming back. I reached for the lamp next to my bed. I needed to defend myself. My door opened and Cav walked in. He started talking about how he and his girlfriend had had a fight, he was facing the wall. I said his name. He turned around and burst into tears. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and called an ambulance. I told him everything while we waited. I was numb at this point. Numb to pain, both physical and emotional. He held my hand and cried. My parents came back and no one left my side while I was at the hospital. Alex never showed. When we got back the house was packed up. I changed and we got on the road. My dad called to press charges, and a couple days later they called to say that Alex had an alibi. They asked if there was anyone else it coul have been. My dad has been working to put him away ever since, but nothing has happened. Alex's parents are very influential. The last thing I suppose I should tell you is that he called me yesterday. I don't know how he got my new phone number, but he did and he said he's coming to find me. And I'm so scared." 

We sat in silence while I chewed my untouched meal, Declan was finished. 

He reached across the table and grabbed my hand.

"You are the strongest, most beautiful, most amazing girl I have ever met. If he comes anywhere near you, he is dead."

I smiled a little bit teary eyed, "Between Cav and my parents, I should be completely safe. But you deserve to know." He smiled.

I did too.