crying on the inside- the end of the fucking world

alyssa's perspective

seeing james felt like taking your first breath after being held under water for your entire life. i miss him already. it was the most sobering experience i've ever been through. seeing his blood shot and baggy eyes. his cheeks red, and the rest of him extermely pale. his skinny arms and fucking smile. that goddamn smile. he's... beautiful. words can't possibly do justice to what i'm feeling. i don't know when i'm seeing him again. i don't know if he's going to jail. i don't know what's going to happen. i do know that my father's asked to see me today. i accepted the visitation. not for him, but for me. because i need answers. and i'm certainly not going to play nice. he's the cunt who locked me and james up in here anyway- i regret even allowing myself to be in his presence. i should've listened to james. he told me it wasn't the proper place to stay... and i said it was. pushing. forcing. i sometimes think i hate myself. other times, i know i do.

"alyssa." my father says quietly as he walks in. i glare at him.

"leslie." he squints his eyes.

"listen girlie-"

"no. you listen. you're the reason we're here. it's all your fucking fault i-"

"you want to blame me, eh? blame me for you killing that man? it's not my fault, it's-"

"I'M NOT FUCKING FINISHED!" i scream at him. i can feel the officers watching my every move from cctv. but i don't care.

"YOU'RE A FUCKING MISTAKE. A WORTHLESS FATHER. A WORTHLESS PERSON. YOU MEAN NOTHING TO ME. THIS VISIT," i slam my hand on the table, standing up,

"IS FUCKING OVER." i scream as i barge out of the doorway. before i can take another step, an officer stops me. i begrudgingly succumb to their restraints as i glare at my sorry excuse for a dad. i shouldn't have accepted that visit. but god, did it feel amazing to tell him off. he deserves that and worse. i'm cuffed and forced back to my cell.

"that didn't help your case." the officer grumbles in my ear.

"oh, piss off." i tell him as he undoes my cuffs and shoves me into my cell.

"if i were you, i'd treat me with some respect." he walks out, slamming the door behind him. i growl, jumping onto my bed, grab my pillow and begin to scream harsh obscenities. welcome to fucking paradise.