Poems

The truth behind the first year of uni

University,
No I'm not having the time of my life.
I can barely pay the bills,
let alone go out every night.
My flat mates borrowing from her parents.
And something ain't right.
I suppose I'm lucky, I have a place for the night.
But why am I having to use all of my loan, on my accommodation,
just because I can't go home.
My grandparents moved abroad,
And that's nice for them,
But now going home is a pain in the ass now and then.
My boyfriends bailing me out,
paying for trains to work,
even though I can't given him nowt.
So maybe I should be grateful,
I made it here after all.
But how can I be grateful for something that's so damn hard.
My flatmates complaining,
He's used up all his savings,
But he be shopping at sainsburys.
Then there's me, who ain't got a car,
Working two jobs just to never be able to afford the bar.
Maybe I should buy some alcohol, the sweet liquor of forgetfulness.
But i can't, because I'm afraid I wouldn't stop.
My flatmates bailing me out, sharing food with me even though I can't give her nowt.
I can't ask for help because my mum would blame me.
Tell me it's my fault, for choosing somewhere so expensive to live.
But she don't understand, this isn't as expensive,
It's on the cheaper side,
But it's still more than she pays for her house.
So maybe I could have it worse,
I ain't living on the streets,
I have a warm bed,
but that doesn't mean I can sleep.
How I wish it wasn't this way,
I don't see a penny of my loan,
And I know others are the same.
Me and two of my flatmates are working 2 jobs.
Just to be able to afford food on the table.
We're just being robbed.
I'm supposed to see the counsellor,
But they just fucked me off.
I'll never forget the words when I was first diagnosed and I went abroad.
"Whatever illness you think you have" my grandparents said.
I stormed off, never gave it a second thought
That was a few years ago, I still struggle now.
My medications supposed to help me out.
And they do, they stop me from kicking off.
But it's so hard when everyone around you is being an idiot.
So I have no one to turn to,
I can't tell my babe because he'd just get upset,
My best mate would kick off, saying "I'm not having this shit, you need to fuck off"
So who am I to turn to?
When I just want to run and cry.
If I could afford it, I'd just drown my sorrows in the bar.
Thinking about it, I'm amazed I made it where I did.
I fed myself from the age of 13. No knew I did.
I used to work for £10 a day, just to afford those chips.
But my mum would have none of it, because she had it worse.
She used to wear rags and some of the things I've heard.
But there ain't no saying anything, because she had it worse, so none of my family would listen to a word.
I was raped at 16 by my own boyfriend, cheated on twice.
And all I ever offered them was to give them my whole life.
"Why didn't you report it" I always get asked.
But I'm too scared to ruin someone's life just because I struggled to say no.
I didn't want what I got, but I got it anyway.
But I guess that's how life goes.
I am who I am because of my past,
But that don't mean I'd ever wish it on any lass.
So maybe I want to cry, maybe I wish I could take a double take.