An Emotional Affair

What do you want?

There was silence for a few minutes.

"Why did you disappear?" he asked.

She could feel both the sadness and the fear in his voice. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath in. There was no way she would not answer any of his questions. That was not an option, especially when being wrapped up in his arms and his warmth.

"I couldn't figure out where I stood in your life" she responded.

"I'm sorry" he said.

"And I was hurt" she continued.

"Why?"

"I told you that I no longer wanted to cut off contact. That it simply was too hard and that it obviously was not working because you were on my mind so much. And then, not only did it take you two weeks to find the email I sent you but you did not even reach out yourself. That was very confusing."

She could feel the tears coming up again and she was glad that her face was buried in his chest so that he would not see that.

"You told me December could be a difficult month for you and that you needed some space." She could hear he was a bit perplex...

"Tom," she lifted herself up on her elbow and looked at him straight in the eyes. "I know that whatever I am thinking or feeling is not based on the truth or on reality. I know that it is just all of my fears talking... Because I don't know what the reality is. And that's the problem. You and I... " She hesitated, "I feel... I know we truly care for each other... And I'm trying to convince myself that this is just me feeling lonely and you maybe needing some attention or some distraction... But I have this gut feeling that it is more than that... But this relationship we have, because no matter what, it is a relationship, or at the very least a connection, it's only going to bring us pain if we don't find a way to figure it out... If we don't talk and be truthful and authentic with one another... But we can't do that right now... Because you have a wife, a daughter, and neither one of us feel comfortable with doing anything behind her back... And I am so tired of being stuck in this hole." Now she was crying... she sat up and turned her back to him as her body started shivering... She covered her face with her hands and was trying to hold it in but it was as if all the doubts and fears and desires from the previous few months were all coming up to the surface and she no longer had the strength or even the will to keep on fighting... He gently placed his hands on her shoulders and pulled her back onto his chest...

"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I'm lost... Whenever we talk or see each other, it turns my world upside down. You're like this tiny grain of sand that is bringing total chaos to my life and I cannot get you out of my head... I cannot stop thinking about you... I so badly wish for things to be different but I don't know where to start..."

And right there, in his words, was the whole story...

"What do you want?" he asked.

She breathed out one word without hesitation:

"You"

She could hear his breathing getting a bit heavier...

"I want you too... But I can't cheat on her, no matter how badly I want you... And I can't leave her for you... because the truth is that we don't really know each other that well... And I want my daughter to have a happy, stable childhood... And at the same time, it seems we cannot make things work with my wife... It seems we're both unhappy most of the time... but we still love each other... I do love her... I am so lost... I am so sorry."

"Why do you keep on coming back? Why did you come today? I mean, isn't there just a little bit of clarity somewhere?"

"I figured if I found you then it was meant to be... It's like I was unable to stay away knowing you were in the area..."

"So you're just following the motion..." It was not a question... And she tried not to sound bitter or cynical when she said the words... Truth is she had tried so hard to be respectful of his marriage and his family... She had walked away so many times, blocking him from social media so that they could no longer be in contact... But he had found a way back so many times... And he had turned her world upside down too... The connection was undeniable, even if she had tried to question it from all angle and perspective...

Their story had started more than two years earlier... She had gone out of town to attend this 4-day workshop and the timing turned out to be perfect as she had just decided to walk away from this relationship that was taking too much space and was not going anywhere (talk about pattern of behavior)... On the very first day, she scanned the room and the people around her... About 16 women of all ages and 4 men: one had come with his wife, two were clearly not her type from the get-go and then there was him... the tall cute guy on the other end of the room... She automatically looked at his left hand and saw the wedding band... And she moved on...

Still, after a day or two, they seem to keep on gravitating towards each other... She had no intention to be flirty or anything... Married men were definitely not on her radar... But she could hear the little things he would say here and there, like randomly throwing flirty pebbles in the conversation, unexpectedly, and then walk away or immediately change topic... She was surprised, confused, thinking she must have misheard something... Never in a million years did she think he was flirting with her... In a weird way, he fit perfectly the image of the one she had subconsciously imagined over the years: his body type, his charisma, his detachment and his sense of humor... Even his clothes, his lifestyle, his job... At least it made her feel alive... She was going to be ok after that last break up... She could be attracted to another man and there obviously were other men out there who seemed to be a much better fit that the one she was leaving behind...

She started fantasising about him as she lay in her bed at night... It was most definitely pure fantasy... She was not going to go down that path with a married man but she could most certainly dream about him... Little did she know that he would take such a huge place in her life and in her heart over the following few years...