Don't tell mom

Part 3 - Wonder

There is a famous quote, that most don't know the ending to and it goes "Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back."

    Wonder is a curiosity that many have, it is the reason we thrive as people. It is also the reason as adults we become reckless and do things we wouldn't otherwise do. 

         it's the pain that surfaced after coming to terms with what happened to me as a child and ultimately wonder is the reason I took so many risks without thinking about them.
It is the very reason I am still living through complex trauma and why I dig my heals into the dirt whenever I feel I am uncomfortable or feeling forced.

Wonder is deciding during one of his acts to ask my big brother what he was doing to me and him replying "I don't know, but please don't tell mom." and wonder was the hope that he wouldn't come into my room and walk me to my next flashback.

Wonder is the hopes that the demons in my head escape. It's the nights of peeing the bed, it's phobia of going to sleep because then what if I wake up to someone there trying to hurt me? Its the hope you get one decent nights rest, It's the fact that you didn't choose to be insecure or to have a twisted romance with death.

Wonder is the dreams and hopes that you will one day be a normal girl, with a normal job and a normal sleep routine, with normal clothes and normal eating habits.

Wonder is dreaming of the day that your brother stops coming to the house, his mail stops being delivered, That your moms denial will fade and she will face how she hurt you.

Wonder is hoping your relationships would last longer than a month. but you don't know how to do that because you never had stability before.

Wonder.. it's the idea that there is hope, it is to desire the gain of knowledge. So now I sit and wonder how someone could choose my identity before I wasn't even able to speak full sentences.

I wonder what it's like for him to sleep in bed with another woman knowing that he ruined my life and chances of ever doing the same. How he didn't go to jail, how the cops and cps all believed he should walk free and that my case would go cold. I wonder how they thought they could trust my mom would do the right thing and keep him away.

I wonder how he just sat and watched me beg for a phone to call my parents to save me from myself.  I wonder how on the fateful day in march, he could've done something right, but didn't. He didn't, and I tried to take my life. How could someone be so twisted?
He abused me. He ruined me. And couldn't even care less if I'd taken my life.

40 pills, 8 hours, and 1 behavior health stay. I was trapped. My abuser was staying with us.
Still abusing me. A torture I wish on no one.

The very thing that set me off wasn't the only reason, clearly the life I lived up to that point as a teenager was hard enough to finally have a breaking point. I understood the next actions I was taking would be the end of that, I came to peace with my decision as I had taken a good couple of weeks to collect the materials to do so.

           At this time I didn't even know my fathers number by heart to get ahold of him through a landline, some vintage technology that seems to no longer be around, my mother was miles away for a work trip so my brother was the only person around that was suppose to be watching us while my father was act work for the day. getting ahold of my parents is near to impossible even till this very day.