He's a She?! ( On Hold...)

Chapter 3

I think I’m going to die. I can’t do this anymore.  I’ll need to send out my funeral invitations before I pass on.

3 hours earlier:

Ok, this’ll be a piece of cake. Acting like a dude is like playing the role of a tree; no emotions, thoughts, or signs of life. Going to my computer on my desk, I look up the most obvious thing I could do. “How to act like a boy.” I smiled at the thought of a whole book on it. How to Act Masculine: For Dummies. But I was shocked when I clicked search. There, on the Internet, were real websites all about it, and how to do it. I was stunned, honestly stunned. Here where some suggestions:

1. 25 Tips on how to act like a tomboy

2. How to act and look like a guy (for Girls) in 7 steps.

3. How to act like a guy.

I slowly scrolled down the list. There was more. And more. And more. I decided to click 2. and see what happens. My favorite is step #7: When you are sitting, spread your legs and try to take up as much space as possible. Really guys? What else do you want? To take world domination?! Because when you take up space, we girls can't sit. And if we can't sit, our ankles hurt. And when our ankles hurt, we get crabby. And you don't want a crabby girl with you, unless you got the earplugs for the nagging. See the chain reaction? Why is this seem so hard to guys?

I took more notes on how to pose. From the experience of boys who I’ve talked to and dated, I made a list of mainly popular positions:

Pose 1: Cool - Lean on the wall diagonally while leaning on one arm over my head, which should be bent a bit. (Optional: A wink, cute smile, etc.)

Pose 2: Dominance (a must) - When sitting, spread legs and rest arm(s) on the back of chair/sofa. (Optional: A pout or scowl.)

Pose 3: Cute and Elegant – Either dig hands into pockets or place hands behind the back. First look down and slowly lift head. Make a face of innocence (innocent is key).

I scan through the notes and become pleased with myself. Maybe I’ll last without getting caught as soon as I thought I would. I am so exhausted that I want to snooze, that is until I think of the laziest person I know. Jamie! Why couldn’t I have thought o him before?! As my older brother, he should clearly want to help his baby sister. I trust he will listen. And if not, I can see that I’m screwed.

Picking up my red cell phone that I got from Dad, I go to my contacts and look for J. When I found his number, I clicked call. While anticipating for n answer, I silently pray that he won’t remember me telling Dad about his secret Playboy magazine stash. Hey, I was only 7, and I got my first jet plane for telling. Then, my dreams come true. “Hello?” a husky voice on the other line answered. “J-Jamie? It’s Lily. Just a quick question, please!”

“What now, punk? I got to finish my homework or else I’ll fail bio again.” That was a first.

“Jamie, how do you act like a guy? It’s, uh, for a project at school.” There was a slight silence, and then he answered,” What drugs are your teachers taking?”

“JAMIE!”

“Sorry. OK, just act like a guy. Look strong, brave, and tall… and act like a leader. That’s about it. Now go away, punk, or I’ll tell Mom about your posture.” And with that, he hung up first.

Now, let's fast-foward to where we were in the beginning:

I’m not going to make it. School is only a week away, and I’ll be brain dead before I get to my dorm room. I am screwed -- and big time. Then I thought of Mom, and how she always told me to be optimistic when things look bad. “Don’t see the glass of cranberry juice as half empty, but as half full, Darling.” She told me that when I was 4 years old.

Well Mom, what can I say? That there will be tons and tons of handsome boys? Ugh. I hope this idea of mine was worth it…