My Journal

My experience

A/N: Okay, first, it's been forever since I've updated. You can expect more since its summer.

I've been needing to get this off my chest and to just let it go. I've had this built up all year and I think now is best to just let it off my chest now that I'm out of school. Now, I've had a fantastic 8th grade year.

Do I wish I could fix a couple things? Of course

Did I make mistakes? Yep.

But I had an amazing time. 

But...there was more drama this year than any other....

I got bullied a lot more this year. But I would never admit that to my friends. They'd go berserk. 

My guy friend knows. I only told him because he's my best friend. He understands me. He is like the most trusted person I've ever met. I tell him everything. He'll over react at first, but then he's so supportive and just so understanding. I've told him everything there is to tell about me. I've admitted things to him, that I won't admit to myself. He can be confused as my boyfriend but he's just a friend. He's the main reason I'm still here. I wouldn't be here, literally, if it wasn't for him. You wouldn't believe how much he's helped me. I can tell him everything about me, and yet the next time we talk, he won't bring it up. That's one trait I love about him. I would trust him with my life. He knows what to bring up and what not to. He's always checking up on me. He's very....very...very...very protective. Its funny. Whenever there's someone I don't want to talk to or I'm being hit on (which he knows makes me uneasy) he'll come up and pretend to be my boyfriend to scare off intruders. I have issues with actually telling people what's wrong, with him, he asks just a couple times and I'll spill my guts. Everyone thinks I'm into him. I'm not. He knows I'm not. I know he's not. We talk about EVERYTHING. Awkward or not. He knows things that I could never tell my best girl friends. But I have a limit. I'm not allowed to talk about guys, dresses (easy, because I never wear them), shoes (I'm a barefoot kind of person), and that's about it. He listens to me all the time. He's like my older brother and its just perfect. Sometimes he says stupid shit. Like we got into a huge fight because of something he said. We were arguing because he was convinced that my original self was lost and that I was just some shell and I just wasn't me anymore. I got mad and said that I was trying. And then we were both yelling and yeah. Then he called me broken and then I stopped talking to him. I found it offensive. I know maybe I'm cracked, or on the brink of breaking. But broken. No. Not yet anyways. I stopped talking to him and ignored him for about two weeks. I was mad at him the first week but then the second week I was just being hard headed and woudln't forgive him that easily. I finally gave him his way and now were besties again. :D I know this is supposed to be about what I've been feeling over the year but I got side tracked. Sorry. :)

So anyyyyways. 

This year, was just exhausting. 

I mean this year, I was terrified that my friends were gonna leave me. I have anxiety, so when I start shaking or blinking a lot or flinching, that's why. Its gotten so bad this year. It started affecting the way I was sleeping. I was having nightmares. My anxiety caught a hold of my dreams and twisted them into a sick, tormenting, black hole, that was nearly impossible to wake up from. I would wake up crying all the time.I've made a few new friends this year, and boy, sometimes they can be a handful. I mean because I've grown to love them and I would die if I lost anyone of them. I mean there were a few times were they were mad at me and wouldn't talk to me. I mean even though I know they were there for me, I always felt alone. Like there was something misisng. I never found out what it was but I still don't know what it was/is.

I tried staying strong all year. But it was so....hard. I never had any time to myself. I was constantly trying to make everyone happy....I don't think anyone will ever understand how much meaning is in that sentence. I had to make sure my friends were okay, but when I tried one of my friends, I will not name names but they would yell or lie and mostly make me feel absolutely horrible because I would feel like I wasn't there enough for them. But I felt so incredibly selfish because I was just pushing everyone away when they probably needed me more than they showed. I tried keeping my emotions to myself. But sometimes they would slip. I tried staying on top of everything, but sometimes I was a bit behind. I tried finding another form of release and I turned to drawing and writing. I have plenty of imagination and time on my hands. I've always had ideas for writing. I just never acted upon them. 

I was very vulnerable this year. I opened up a little bit and let my friends have a taste of what's inside of my head. I was hurt so badly this year. I was played by a guy who told me I was his everything. He told me he was different. But he was like every other god damn guy out there. I usually don't curse, but no one even knows how much it hurt. I didn't even tell my friends what happened. I told them that we just faded. That wasn't the case. But they didn't need to get involved. I told my best guy friend and he  f  l  i  p  p  e  d. He was so pissed. He wanted to literally slit this guy's throat. I told him that I felt like I had done something to make him do what he did. He just stared at me. I have never seen him so angry. He was convinced that I needed to tell my friends because he thought that they had a right to know what happened. But my friends are to protective for me to tell. They'd always bring it up, accuse me of not trusting them, and I don't want to stress them out. 

I tried pushing everyone away. I was so conflicted with my decisions this year. I wanted to keep all my problems in so I didn't scare anyone or freak anyone out. But at the same time I wanted to tell them and get it off my chest so it wouldn't bother me as much and just to know I have people who are here and actually care about me. I just feel like everything I did was selfish in one way or another. I was always afraid to ask them because then their gonna question me and I know, I just know I'll make everything worse. I tried pushing everyone out and away from myself so I wouldn't get hurt. I was afraid that they were gonna get tired of me and just leave me alone. I wasn't gonna get hurt again. But I wasn't very good at preventing myself from getting hurt because sometime between May 4-10 I lost someone who meant the absolute world to me. 

I was constantly putting myself down. I would never give myself credit for anything. I felt literally and absolutely awful about myself. I could get compliments but then this little nagging vouice in the back of my head would say that they never really meant it. I would try and boost my self  esteem but I just couldn't agree with what my friends would say. I mean I used to be confident in my grades, but this year I was convinced that I was extremely stupid. I would get good grades but I always felt dumb. I mean my friends would say I was smart but I just didn't see it. I hated talking to people because I was so sure that everyone was looking at my fat, my unkempt hair, my geeky glasses, my scars, my clothes, etc. I mean I was so self conscious. I wasn't bitter though. I wouldn't hate people because they were skinny. It was just motivation to loose weight. 

I lost someone super close to me. This year in May I lost someone super close to me. I remember having her friend tell me and I was in denial. None of my friends get it, and I try to act like I'm over it, but I'm not. I am no where near being over it. Me and her used to talk everyday and she was the funniest and most caring person you could ever meet. And she was just taken from me. I don't really know how to react to it now. I mean I can't get over no matter how much I try. Imagine losing your best friend...I mean and I try not to dwell on it but some days are harder than others. I just try to be strong, not the easiest thing when I just wanna stop and actually comprehend what happened but nope, life keeps going, and won't give me a minute to collect my thoughts. So I've been trying to keep going on like normal, I'm not sure if I've been very convincing. 

I've had an amazing 8th grade year and I loved it so much. A lot of stuff. But I wouldn't change anything. Well maybe one thing but that's it. 

Hope everyone has a great summer. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, I'm always here. :) <3

Bye my lovies.