It starts when everyone keeps on telling her how thin and skinny she's becoming. It starts with her mother, who had doted on her, with her family, who constantly shoved food inside her mouth, with her friends who would never understand, with the world, whose imperfections ulitmately wrecked her, with herself, who was weak and cowardly.
That night, she couldn't fall asleep. There was nothing but the soft drizzle of moonlight outside her window to calm and soothe her senses. After spending the past two weeks trying to prove that she was eating properly, the fat from her thighs and legs and limbs (and God, why did it hurt so fucking much?) are becoming more evident.
From 100 pounds, she became a fucking 115. It hurts. Because she's fat again.
And they'd never understand.
They say she has to gain weight, but she knows she doesn't, couldn't because they didn't know how it feels to be insecure, to see girls weight so much less, who are prettier and better, who are more confident, who had gaps between their thighs, who could wear whatever, act however, and be beautiful.
They didn't know how it felt like to be the ugly duckling, the odd-one-out.
She clenches her fists, closing her eyes, willing the tears to stop flowing. If she lets it, it's never going to stop, just like binging. She's going to be so fucking fat. She has to lose weight. She can never be thin enough. No one else could and would understand that.
Boys never looked at her, made attempts to et to know her. In her house, she was always the second choice. Being skinny, thin -- that's the only thing she has.
And so, taking one last look at the stars, barely shining but still there (like the fats and the additional weight --), she firms her resolve. No one's going to stop her. No one. They didn't know how it felt to stop yourself from crying because you're too fat, she thought bitterly.Curling her hands at her side, she grits her teeth because food is fattening, and there; s no way she's gonna have fat limbs and -
She has to weight 100 pounds.
She has to be thin.
She has to.
* * *
[And so, tomorrow, she's not going to eat.]
❁
// dedicated to defend //
