You're so blind

It only took him one sentence. Once sentence to ruin it all. All to make me obliviously walking in the rain; unbothered as to whether or not I was going to catch a fever and a cold. As cliché as it seems, sometimes some part of how heartbreak is depicted through film is true. Was this how it felt? Was this how I was supposed to be? Or is heartbreak subjective and depends on how an individual perceives it? I was asking myself all these questions but I really felt like I was dying on the inside and nobody knows because I look okay on the outside. It was like my whole world had collapsed. My hard earn built on fantasy crumbled into dust in just a matter of seconds with him saying that one sentence.

"I'm sorry, I just don't feel the same way as you do,"

I lost all trace of time and sense of direction, having no idea whatsoever as to where I was going but somehow I ended up sitting down at the bus stop. I was drenched in rainwater and I looked like an absolute trainwreck. Sometimes afterward, I think there was someone walking towards me but I did not bother looking up to see who it was. As the person walked closer, I noticed a pair of shoes that was too familiar too me. I knew who it was. He needn't any verbal introduction. All he did was took a seat beside me and closed his umbrella. I did not know how he knew where I was, but it just seems like every time I was at my lowest, he would miraculously appear and give me the solace that I needed. I was still a sobbing mess. My face was red and swollen because of the tears.

All I wanted was someone to love me but every time that happens, it is always me who takes the fall first. I never wanted to love that man in the first place and I hated that part of me which made it  happened. You don't choose who to love - it just fucking happens and when it does you will feel like everything around you is going too fast. I was crying not because of the rejection; I was crying because I was dying to know the reason as to why is there nobody that looks at me more than just the person I am on the outside. I was tired and on the verge of giving up with my own fight against everything that makes me overthink myself to sleep at night; those voices that tell me of all my worthlessness as a human being. I think that was when I lost it - lost the entire battle within myself.

We both sat in silence at the bus stop. The rain just keep pouring as the day was slowly turning into dusk - this I knew because the street signs in the city were beginning to light up one by one. Even the fluorescent lamp at the bus stop we were sitting at lit up behind me. He placed his hand on top of mine. It felt warm and alive, whilst mine felt like it was dead. He gave it a small squeeze before pulling me into a hug as he caressed my wet hair and brushing away a strand or two from my face.

"There now," he says.
"I'm here, don't worry," he continued as he took out his handkerchief from his back pocket to dry me off. I still felt very weak and helpless but I tried to brush it off by loudly sighing and taking the handkerchief from him so that I could dry myself of. I still wanted to be my own independent. I valued my pride a lot and I always tell myself to never show my weaknesses to anyone. But somehow, I failed because now he knew how I am at my weakest. What a shame, I thought to myself.

"It's okay I can do it," I said wiping off the water of my hands and face. The cold slowly started to bite into my skin and the next thing you know it, he placed his brown leather trench coat on me. I thanked him and smiled slightly as I clutched against the fabric.

"That bastard doesn't deserve you," said he as he took out a lighter and a pack of Marlboro, lighting himself a stick. He puffed out the smoke while his other hand was still in mine. I looked down at his hands and then looked up at him. He coolly looked ahead into the pouring rain; his face seemed peaceful yet fierce with unpredictability. When I realised how he had always been there for me every time I fall, I cried even harder. While I was too busy searching somewhere far for that 'One', this man was just right in front of me - I took all his advances for granted and felt so damn guilty and stupid all of a sudden. When I cried harder, he was shocked and scared then turned to looked at me; at this point I was wailing my soul out. It was just like someone had just died. His eyes widened at my sudden action. I was lucky that there were no passer-by around us that time and we were the only ones at the bus stop. He quickly snuffed out his cigarette before placing one hand on my shoulder and the other on my cheek.

"Oh my God, what's wrong?" he says worryingly.
"I am so sorry," I sobbed through whilst replying him. He cocked an eyebrow, probably confused at my sudden relay of apology.
"For what?" he asked. I took the hand that was on my face and then inhaled some air into my lungs to calm myself down and enable me to speak properly.
"I am sorry - that I never notice you. I'm sorry for being such a bitch and that I was too blind to not know that you were always right there in front of me an- "

And then I felt a pair of lips crashed into mine. It was all too sudden to take in. I was cut off mid-sentence. His kisses felt like he was relieved and desperate. I objected none of it yet I feel disgusted with myself on the inside. I felt like I did not deserve him. I felt like I hurt him - made him suffer and wait foolishly for me to realise him. We both pulled away from each other after sometime as he rests his forehead against mine - his mouth still having the aftertaste of minted nicotine. I was still hurting on the inside, hurt from loving the wrong man and hurt for hurting the man that has always loved me. He wiped off the tears on my face as I pulled away from him to wipe them myself.

"Don't look at me, I'm ugly," I say. He laughed at me when I said this before taking my face into his hands again and gave me a short chaste kiss before letting go. I smiled sadly at him before he says this, "They say love is blind,"