My entire life i spent my days surrounded by children. My family was pretty close. Most of us lived in the same apartment complex. My Meamaw (grandma) babysat children in her home for as long as i can remember. As you grow and become capable of helping that is the natural progression to pick up and do for the children as needed.
I learned early that being a mom was a huge goal i wanted for myself. When i was with the kids i was so happy and felt like i knew what to do. Playing, reading, coloring, scavenger hunts, and endless hide and seek. My life was less than perfect with my actual mom and dad so it took my Meamaw to actually raise me. That made me feel even more strongly about how I'd be so different when i had children.
However at thirteen i had severe cramping and got really sick. This in turn sent me on a round of doctor trips. These appointments all resulted in a nurse practitioner reading my chart in front of me to my mom. When i heard the words "unlikely to have children due to a massive amount of cysts and scarring" my whole world went black. I didn't know what to think or say or do. They eventually diagnosed me with endometriosis at 15 years old and said, "Her uterus looks worse today than it did at the last appointment." He then instructed my Mom how to give me certain things to help with the cramping pains as well as techniques that would also help with the pain and we left. I remember days of hiding in my room crying and confused.
I don't think Doctors realize that saying all of these things in front of me made sense. They seemed to think i was naive or just young. That was not the case, my past had been full of times i was put in unfavorable positions with men that were thinking with the wrong brain and crossed lines they shouldn't have which harder me even more. The innocence i should have had was long gone and i felt empty and numb. That turned quickly with each day that passed creating a cold, emotional, shell of a person. I walked out of that office with two weeks before my sixteenth birthday and was determined to feel something yet, nothing.
To feel as though the world you thought you were working toward is no longer worth the fight to be better. I threw my hands in the air on my sixteenth birthday and went wide open. Drinking, drugs, boys and partying became the new world. I was wreckless, hanging with people way older than me and trying to live and feel but it was empty. That is until i met this boy. He became my crutch so to speak. He made me feel like i wasn't broken or worthless. My "first" love, at least what i thought was love. We dated for 6 months i think and throughout our relationship we partied and we're careless. I was arrested multiple times, been kicked out of my home for at least the 5th time since i was 10. I was a complete wreck.
My seventeenth birthday seemed to come so fast, and i remember being at my shared party with my cousin leaning over to blow out the candles on our cake and felt all eyes on me. I heard my aunt say, "Carol is such a natural momma. She just comes in and takes over any kid she sees." It was like a punch in the throat. Tears immediately began to fall and i hid behind the house and cried for what felt like forever. It was the first time i remember actually feeling something other than pity, disappointment, and hate for myself. I felt angry, and desperately wanted to see something different for myself. I knew that my life was going nowhere good, yet i was so deep in my bullshit that it took months for me to start finding good things about myself especially after breaking up with the boy because of crap that had happened.
I decided at our family Easter egg hunt that i was gonna do something good in the world. I moved in with another friend who was a positive influence for the most part but every teenager i seemed to meet had some wild in them. Hers was nothing like what i was used to. We were best friends, done everything together.
