Dum Vivo Amo ( While I live I love)

Abby

Abby closed her eyes, implementing the deep breathing technique that she had recently showed Marcus.

Inhale...

1...2...3..4...5...

Exhale....

Feeling confident that her breathing had returned to a normal rhythm, she opened her eyes. At once, she felt the familiar sensation of warm liquid pooling behind eyes, pushing for release. She did not attempt to stop the seemingly infinite flow of tears as they made their way down her cheeks. How long before the seemingly endless reserve of tears would run dry? She watched in awe as each tear fell, one by one, gently onto the surface of metal table at which she was seated. Each teardrop contained a sliver of her soul.

Jake.

Clarke.

Marcus.

Within its boundary, each tear encompassed an overwhelming influx of emotions.

Pain.

Love.

Grief.

Angst.

And...hope?

Instinctively, Abby pressed her palm against her belly. Her life no longer belonged to just herself. Her life was inseparably intertwined with the life now growing within her womb. As she imagined her unborn child, she felt a comforting warmth spread throughout her body. Is this what forgiveness felt like?

"Abby... are you alright?" A voice, gentle, yet saturated with concern gently pulled her from her thoughts. A hand on her shoulder.

Jackson.

Abby finally wiped her eyes and slowly stood up and turned around to face her beloved friend.

"Abby, I have the results of your brain scan from this morning. There's nothing-" He stopped abruptly taking in the current state of his mentor. She felt his eyes move swiftly from her red and swollen eyes to the twin trails down her cheeks, blazed by the incessant flow of tears. He was analyzing, processing. Jackson was, after all, a scientist.

"There is nothing wrong with my brain. I know." Breathe, Abby reminded herself. She knew that the moment she uttered the words, the numbers on the papers still in hand, would become reality. She took in a deep breath, and yet her voice was but a faint whisper. "I am pregnant. 10 weeks."

Confusion flashed across Jackson's eyes. "How?"

"Do you really need me to explain how pregnancy occurs? Abby asked teasingly. She felt the corners of her mouth twitch, turning upwards, ever so slightly. Was she actually smiling?

Jackson blushed, his face turning a deep shade of red. "I mean... I know how it works, but I...you..." he stuttered, at a loss for words.

"Jackson, I have not experienced the same neurological symptoms as Raven. No seizures." Extreme fatigue. Nausea. The absence of her period. Why hadn't she figured it out, put it all together? Had she known? Even the terrifying hallucination she had had of Clarke could be explained by variations in blood pressure caused by pregnancy. She was a trained medical professional. She had guided numerous women through pregnancy on the Ark. She had been experienced the same symptoms 19 years earlier. It was easier, more simple, to let everyone, including herself believe that it was her brain. That she was dying. "My implant was scheduled to be replaced a few months before we came to the ground. Since, Jake... I didn't think..." Abby felt herself blush. She loved and trusted Jackson, and she respected him as a fellow doctor, but it felt strange discussing these personal and very intimate details of her life with him.

Jackson nodded, tentatively wrapping her in a warm embrace. She loved Marcus, but the love she felt for Jackson was different. Jackson had always supported her, stood up for her, selflessly offered her his friendship- a friendship for which she would be eternally grateful. As she rested her head on his shoulder, Abby knew that the unspoken question had already been asked and answered. Who is the father? Although she and Marcus had not formally announced their status as a couple, she was certain by the hushed whispers and pointed glances they received whenever they were together, that their relationship had become public knowledge.

When Jackson finally let go, he simply asked, "Does Kane know?"

Her heart leapt slightly- just a fraction. But... it was there. A glimmer.

Hope.

Abby shook her head slowly, her eyes glistening with tears. "Not yet."