Stuck on the Puzzle ; a. irwin [coming soon]

ENTRY 3

August 16, 1992

"Never apologize for putting your own happiness before other's." That's what my mom always told me. It took her a long time to realize it wasn't her fault for wanting to be happy, but when she did, she always made sure to teach to her kids (that's me and my younger sister and brother).

Despite the fact I had a very spiritually intellectual mother to guide me through the fucked up roller-coaster that is life, I always did the opposite.

I always helped others when I had the chance, so I never really had enough time to do things for me.

When Michael had broken up with his girlfriend (and best friend), Sam, I was there every day just in case he needed a shoulder to cry on or a tissue to blow his nose into. I was there when he would overthink things. I was the one who convinced him that maybe their break-up was for the better.

When Luke had failed his final Maths exam, I was there to help him study and help him do better. Eventually, I had convinced his Maths teacher to give him a redo. He passed the make-up test with a 98 percent.

When Calum had lost his puppy Minka one summer, I helped him look for her for days, until we found her by Calum's mom's garden out in their clustered backyard. I was there when Calum had almost given up. I was there to convince him that we'd find his dog.

I always helped the people I cared about, even if I got nothing out of it.

Now I'm 17 and lonely and I don't even know how someone who loves and is loved can feel so lonely but I am.

I've tried to be happy, believe me. For the most part, I've been alright, but while Michael had Sam, Calum had his (now) ex-girlfriend Patty, and Luke had pretty much every girl who wanted to get into his pants, I had no one.

I had no one I could share my emotions with. I had no one to kiss, or to hold hands with, or to have sex with. I had no one to tell me they love me, or to tell me I mean the world to them. I had no one to open up to.

Sure, I've kissed girls, and I've held their hands, and I've had sex with them before, but I've never been fortunate enough to fall in love like the rest of my friends.

Then came Violet, and although nothing has ever happened between the two of us, I was still ridiculously infatuated with her

I met Violet in the summer of 1989, right before we came into high school. She bumped into me when she was carrying boxes full of what I assumed were her things. She had just moved here, and I had guessed the movers had finally stopped by to drop off their belongings.

She apologized profoundly, and that was that.

Later, we spoke when we found out we had Honors English, and Creative Writing together. She told me I was the first person she had spoken to when she moved. The first couple of days, we spoke comfortably, but as time passed, and people began to like her, we grew apart.

I guess it was around August of 1991 when I found out I had feelings for her. It was two days after we had started our sophomore year. Michael had thrown a pool party at his house when his parents were visiting family friends in Utah. Practically the entire sophomore and junior classes had been there. Some we knew, others we didn't. Michael was pretty close with Violet through Sam, his then girlfriend and best friend.

Violet invited her best friend Max, who invited everyone else. Max had left Violet alone at the party to hook up with the guys from the junior class.

She was sitting on the edge of the pool, with her feet in the water and a red solo cup filled with booze that a junior had brought, and she looked so beautiful.

Her jet black hair was longer then, but just as beautiful. Her dark, blue eyes looked practically purple under the sunlight. Her skin was pale, and her lips were coated in a nude color. She was wearing denim shorts and a black bikini top. Violet was beautiful. I was almost scared to get near her, with fear that standing too close might break her. Her waist glowed with drops of water and I don't know how but her top pinched her body like a glove fit in my hand. She looked almost perfect and it made me insecure to even try to imagine what it would be like to be with her.

Calum had nudged me and smirked. "Just go talk to her, mate. You're starting to look creepy just looking at her."

I scoffed, "Everyone's looking at her," I said.

"You better go and talk to her before someone else does. This place is crowded with upperclassmen, Ashton," Calum said.

I knew he was right, but I was too nervous to do anything. I kept biting on my lip, and every time I would try and work up the nerve to talk to her, I'd talk myself out of it.

How could someone as beautiful as her want to talk to such a nervous mess like me? Now I realize Calum was right. I should've gone to sit by her. I should've talked to her. I should've asked her how she was and if she wanted a water bottle instead of the toxic she was holding in her hand.

Now it was too late.

Sincereley, Ashton.