The Light Behind Her Eyes

Lets get real for a sec.

Hey guys.... I just want to say, thanks for all of the support. But....I wish.... i wish you could see... feel things the way i do.... I wish i could explain to you how beautiful art and color is to me... How textures can make me love something so much.... How i see the world. How astounding the color of blood is against snow. How loneliness... is a ghost town... of gray and blues. The feeling of a new brush first touching a canvas. That first bold stroke of paint on white. The perfection of a water color gradient. How melting the feeling of silk is against my fingers. I wish.... i could explain how i see the small things of this world. Why the world doesnt deserve such beauty. How emotions are places... colors... My mind is full of colors. All the time. Places. Beauty. Pain. How hunger is a flash of white against a red desert. How i can never be able to paint the colors of my mind. How pain is just a soft red smouldering fire. How it sends sparks up my body making me forget. In a way.... in a way its beautiful. But i feel so misunderstood. So... abnormal when i try to explain it. I wish i could properly explain to you how freeing the feeling of ranting is... its like a bird finally being freed from its cage... impossible to rope back in. Causing more pain than good. But... its so liberating. So... freeing.... i cant help but want to. I wish that i could explain to you the feeling, the colors of helping a patient. Its almost like... a red fading to dark blue gradient with oil paints... soothing.... strong and dominating. When i think of my self theres lots of teals... and blacks and blues... yet... a light.... a small shimmer of white, Yellows and golds. I dont see people.... i see colors. I see the tone of your skin, i see the brightness of your eyes. The strokes of color that is hair. I take the colors of it in. And then formulate it into a person. I guess this is my body's way of making up for the fact i cant feel emotions. I have flat emotions. Ive gotten good at hiding it but sometimes i cant. Emotions cam sometimes break through...  but when i do have emotions... they arent. Theyre places. Or colors. Or wishes... They arent feelings theyre textures... Its hard to explain how my head works. Its hard to make something im proud of because it will never match the colors of my mind. So please, Bear with me. Keep this in mind as you read on. Im not entirely sane. I dont see the world as you do. Im different from you.... Nothing i do will be good enough for me. For the colors that it represents.