Smut

Edward Cullen and Jacob Black

This is for Bella Haters and Jakeward shippers.

The Bella Is a Moron Files

LovingPipersBoys

Summary:

Nice little collection of one shots where Jacob and Edward try to get rid of the ever so annoying Bella. Sadly the girl just doesn't seem to get that the guys are more interested in each other then her! Humor, Jacob/Edward Bella Lovers BEWARE!

Chapter 1: Bella Is A Moron File One

This was going to be one hell of a night Bella thought to herself as she slipped into a nice little cheerleader outfit that she had picked up at Fredrick's of Hollywood a week ago in anticipation of this night. She had told the boys to show up at exactly 8 o'clock right after her father would be leaving for his second shift down at the police station. She was also certian to tell them to dress up as football players completing the perfect picture of her ultimate fantasy. She couldn't wait! She was about to get nailed by two of the hottest guys in town.

Bella Swan felt like the luckiest girl in the world. She finally had gotten Edward to agree to let her have a threesome with him and Jacob. The funny thing was that it didn't take much convincing on her part. The vampire had lit up like a Christmas tree when she had finally gotten up the courage to ask him and now she was finally going to lose her virginity in both holes (hee).

Bella sighed. She would totally dance around right now if she didn't have two left feet and wasn't prone to accidents.

The girl had to give herself props for using the boys love for her to push them into being friends. She encouraged them to hang out together, go to the movies together since they liked the same genre. Hell she had even gotten them to go camping together.

Oh they were so happy when they came back! Arms linked, smiling at each other, Edward playing in Jacob's hair, whispering secrets into his ear that made him grin from ear to ear. It was so cute. A week after their return they all slept over at the Cullen's house. They even chose to sleep together in the same bed and asked her to sleep downstairs so that they could bond. She even heard them wrestling and having a ball. Edward telling Jacob the basic techniques. She guessed that some moves were done harder, others faster because that's what Edward kept saying to Jacob the whole time until he screamed Jacobs name after he had finally done it right.

Emmett kept her company in the living room along with Alice and Jasper. But for some reason he kept referring to some movies called Brokeback Mountain and Latter Days. I told him that I've never seen them but I've heard good things. He told me that I would be able to see it right then and there in Edward's bedroom but I told him that I didn't want to disturb Edward and Jacobs male bonding time. For some reason Alice and Jasper kept laughing and saying something about dumb oblivious bitches and maybe they should have her for dinner which was odd.

Checking herself in the mirror Bella did a little twirl but had to stop because she got dizzy and fell down face first into hard wood floor. After shaking it off she pulled herself to her feet and regained her composure.

"This is going to be awesome!"

While saying this out loud she noticed a horrible stench.

"What the fuck died in here?" she questioned looking around the room.

It took her only seconds to realize what it was before rushing off to the bathroom and brushing her teeth.

Meanwhile Jacob and Edward were making out at Bella's front door. Edward's back was pressed hard up against the door as Jacob leaned into him, assaulting the vampires mouth with his mouth as one cold hand ran up and down his rock hard abs and another becoming entangled in his long black hair. Jacob felt as if his lungs were on fire but he didn't want to stop. If he was going to have to suffer through touching that girl in the slightest bit he was going to have a serious make out session with his boyfriend first. His annoyance turned to anger when Edward's phone started to ring. Jacob raised an eyebrow at the sound.