The Voice In My Head

Chapter 2- Mama

December 6th, 1972

I don't want to go to papas funeral. There going to have is body out in the open in the cascet. I really don't want to go. So I told mama

"mama."

"Yes dear." mama told me firm, like she knows i'm going to tell her, I don't want to go.

When she said those words in that way I diffident want to to tell her, but i did any way.

" I don't want to go to papas funeral." I said very quite and soft.

" Ashley", she told me harshly, "I don't want to go either, but he is your father and my husband, so he have to go. I'm sorry dear. we just have to."

"I know that mama, but that doesn't mean that we have to go. mama that's the man that hurt us, that is making us suffer in pain, and then how raped you and your four year old dater." 

I yelled at mama. don't ever yell at mama. you will get in a lot of trouble and you be sent to your room with a bar of soup in your mouth.

"Get to the bathroom KNOW."

Mama yelled as loud as a women could ever yell. So I started to cry, and i ran to the bathroom.

"You better be going to the bathroom young lady."

"I am mama, I am."

And I continued to yell at mama, and I shouldn't  have, I just made it even worse for my self.

" You are going to your fathers funeral, and you will listen to your mother, and you wii....."

Mama held her hart and fell to the ground, and told me

" call", with a long pose, me and her looked straight into each others blue eyes

"call the doctor." she commands me to do, so I do.

I type in the numbers 911, and I hear.

"Hello what your emergency." very boringly

"my mama."

"Whats wrong with your mama dear." the lady says like shes had this many times and that she hates her job, witch doesn't help my anger.

" my mama is in tones of  pain, shes holding her hart, and she.... mama fell to the ground."

"Okay, what happened dear." The women tells me with more thusiasm.

"I don't know. Mama was yelling at because because I was being naughty, and then she just fell," I started to cry, "and know she is screaming in pain, should i go to her?" I asked

"Yes, you should have been there the hole time."

"Sorry." 

I start to cry more, and then tell my self. "Don't make mama more sad, don't make mama more sad, don't make mama more sad."

I quickly calmed my self, and walked over to her. I still left the tears there to at least show mama that i was crying, to prove to her that i am scared to, and that I do care.

"mama, i'm here, its okay. i'm here don't let papa kill you like he did to the D*** dog, to try to make them think that he killed himself. Mama please don't leave me I... I am here for you"

"I know dear. Are they on there way.?" mama asks

"yes, she told me to keep her on the phone, is that okay with you."

"Of course dear, that is fine. Here baby."

I don't like being called a baby, But at this time i don't care what mama calls me.

Mama started to sit up.

"mama don't do that it will make you fell worse."

"i'll be fine dear."

Mama pulled her hail away from the back of her head and she told me to tern around, so i did. The next think i know i hear a big bang behind me. I tern around and i see mama with her neck lees on the ground next to her hand, and her laying there, not quite dead, but she was really close. 

"What was that." the lady yells on the phone

"that was mama."

"is she dead."

"No, but I fell her pain, and i know she will die, but I don't want to believe it."

I look at mama, and she looks at me back, and she tells me, "I will not d..die, iIwill be here in heaven, in your hart, I will find you a great family, i will always be by your side. If i make it F*** your papas funeral, I don't care about papa know more."

"okay mama, okay."

Then i started to pray, to the lord.

" O lord my mighty God, please send my mother to a good place. She deserves not to live in torture. Mama wants to help me thought my life and the only way that this could happen is if she is with you. O, lord let my mothers sine be erased, and let her live happily ever after. let mama live or let mamas spirit be with you."

Then I here the very last breath come out of mamas mouth, so I open my eyes, and that very second I could fell her hand become so cold and white. about 30 seconds later I see mamas eyes open and say, " thank you for all that you have done my little angle, because of you i am in heaven, and God told me that I could talk to you. I want you to know that I love you, and that you brung me here, and you are the reason that mama could be as happy as she could ever be. I know that I cant be holding your hand and giving you hugs every day, but  I can be in your hart, and that I can be by your side watching you grow up, I love you baby, but i have to go."

"No mama don't go, mamaaaaa." I yell as loud as I can.

I picked up the phone.

"Never mind, mama is dead, she is in heaven now were she belongs. i'm sorry about all of this, i'm going to walk to grandmas house know. bye.