Save Me

Chapter Twenty

A.N. BIG BIG STUFF HAPPENING! I was so caffeinated writing this chapter that as always I don't know how well it turned out but I hope you guys enjoy it, vote and comment, etc. You might be shocked at this one, but then again, I've got so many ups and downs planned for this book in the next few chapters that I honestly don't think any of you will see it coming! Just know that whatever happens, you'll be surprised. Xoxo, Clay.

♔ Chapter Twenty ♔

The world had never felt so cold in those hours after it happened. I lay down on my mattress, stripped of its sheets, pillows and duvet. They lay on the floor, covering it, and he sat near them in the corner, in the shadows.

My arms found themselves wrapped around my legs, the two walls meeting at a corner against my back. I didn't want to bring myself to say anything, to stop the quiet and the calm that had taken over the room like an invasion. I almost enjoyed it too, enjoyed him being with me in spite of it all. I couldn't even explain it, the need that I still had for him to stay, the feeling that even the worst company was better than being left on my own.

Even though my skin itched like it hadn't in years, even though my body ached in a way I hadn't felt since my childhood, I still felt something drawing me to him. I felt insane just thinking about it, giving myself hope for something that was completely over, that had been over from the start, because he knew about Tom. He'd known from the beginning, and I'd been clueless. I'd let myself fall, let another name be carved onto the inner side of my skin, marking me forever.

I'd never felt so stupid, so repulsed by myself, so low and weak. I couldn't stand it. I'd given him a part of myself I'd never willingly given anyone before, and the whole time he had been playing with me, pretending. Just when my guard came down, just when I let him in, and he broke me.

I felt like a child again, used and abused and completely helpless. Thoughts crossed my mind that hadn't in years, not since my dad had hurt me the way that Luke did - how worthless I felt, how weak I must have looked. I felt red all over, raw, but the physical pain never did compare to razor-sharp thoughts running through me, my mind my worst enemy. I wanted to scream, but I stayed silent.

Luke was just as silent, sat at the other side of the room, his black hair curtaining over his forehead, and his eyes staring right through me the whole time. Through shadows, I could make out his face, the dim light of day sharpening the features of his face - jaw, lips, cheeks, eyes. His fingers were meshed together, but still, he said nothing.

We must have sat like that for hours, I'd guessed - becalmed, like a ship in the Sargasso Sea, still and slowly sinking. I didn't want to move, not out of fear of him, but fear of being alone, even then. I would rather have had him there than be stuck with myself, stuck with the memory of what he'd done to me, stuck reliving it over and over, having the memory stain my mind and blur together with all of the other times it had happened with my father.

In the end, I broke the silence myself. I wanted to know how he knew about Tom, and why he would lead me on, why he would want to break me like that. So I asked, "How did you find out?" amidst the strange silence that arose between us.

"I've known for quite some time," he admitted, maybe a smirk on his lips, but I didn't want to look. "I'm not stupid. I let you think that I'd been piecing it together this whole time, and that I'd arrived at the wrong conclusion. I knew the whole time, and you didn't bother to suspect me. Why was that?"

"I don't know."

"I do," he spoke, raising himself up. He lulled in front of the window, the sunlight splattering over him. Even then, he looked like a god carved from marble, larger than life itself. "It's because you let yourself believe that it could all work out okay. You think that consequences don't apply to you, am I right? You think that you can get away with it, you're too clever for the system. You beat the system, I bet you thought, when you killed him. But you haven't beaten me."