Twilit Mage

Chapter 27: Glamour

Mercury had been afraid that Raoul would stop talking to her after this, but somehow he didn't. He still hung around her, sat with her, spoke to her; but he wasn't the same as yesterday anymore. He didn't start avoiding her; he just became quieter, more reserved, laughing less and being less affectionate, and somehow that was even worse. It was like he was only staying around Mercury out of politeness when he actually wanted to leave, sticking to her out of pity because he didn't want to see her alone. The subject of changing strategies hung between them on a thread, unaddressed, unspoken and ever-present, ready to crash down at the tiniest tremor.

She wanted to do something. She wanted to change something and didn't know what, what she should do, what she could do, what she wanted. She missed their bond, their closeness, the hours spent together laughing about things that weren't even that funny in the first place. She missed Raoul's smile and Raoul's hugs and his arm around her shoulders, warm and comforting. She missed his typo-filled late-night keysmash texts. Every time she went up to him again she hoped that something might change, and every time they parted she was left with a feeling of dissatisfaction, the notion that none of their interactions had ever been enough.

Should she drop it? Maybe Raoul wanted her to leave him alone. If she was bothering him, she shouldn't stick around. If she was annoying, she should stay out of his way. If Raoul really was just talking to her to be nice...

But...this was Raoul. Raoul, who had defended her from a thief and a crowd when they had been total strangers. Raoul, who had called her amazing and cheered her up when she started crying. Raoul, who had caught her in his arms and waited for her outside Bonnie's office and nicknamed her and joked with her in the hallways and offered to risk his own reputation just to help improve hers, who had supported her and comforted her and helped her learn to use magic, never losing patience with her no matter how hopeless she was. This was Raoul Warden. Her closest friend. One of the only friends she'd ever had. And she trusted him.

What should she do?

Maybe, she thought, maybe Raoul would go back to normal if she decided to go through with their plan. By pushing it off she must have upset him somehow, and if she returned back to it he might become his warm, cheery self once more. But what would that mean? Was she really read to do this just for his sake when, deep down, she still wasn't sure if it was the right thing?

She wished he could just support her. Encourage her so that she could approach the others without blanking out with fear, strike up a conversation, maybe make friends. She would have needed it so much right now, and yet here he was, strangely distant for a reason she didn't even fully understand.

Maybe it was time she stopped relying on him and found that courage on her own.

~ ~ ~

Approaching strangers was hard. Approaching people who she knew thought of her as a bully at best was a thousand times worse.

Mercury tried to do it in English class, when the boy in front of her dropped his pencil and it rolled underneath her desk, but she was too stiff with panic to even muster a smile as she handed it back. She tried to do it in the hallway, where an extremely small girl tried to carry an extremely large stack of books, but before she could work up the courage to ask her if she needed help someone else approached her and took half the stack from her hands. She tried to do it in history, standing at the door trying to get herself to ask if the seat next to the reading boy was free, but before she managed to take one single step someone else sat down there and she was left to sit next to Raoul as always.

What was she doing wrong? What did she lack that everyone else had? How did everyone else manage to talk to people like it was the most normal thing in the world?