February Journal

Ego: A Jumbled and Emo Journal Entry

So I guess this is a journal entry. It's 12:30 here and I have the hardest time at night. Don't we all, honestly? It feels like I am falling apart. I can't hold myself together like I used to be able to. I am a cowering, terrified mess. I don't stand for anything like I used to and I just get more bitter + angry each passing day. I want someone to blame but there's no one definitively that I can blame but myself. I am becoming fixated on physical things, especially clothing and that makes me very ashamed. This is not who I am, or at least who I thought I was. I have spells of really bad dissociative episodes all the time and then I have periods where I am really good at controlling them and keeping them in check. I can't stop thinking about my childhood and about lost love. It's honestly an obsession at this point. I am so dissatisfied with how I am and who I am. But that's not really new so I don't know why I am mentioning that.

College. So damn scary. I don't believe in myself anymore. I don't think I will make it as an artist. It's stupid to go to school for art. But I'm not fucking good at anything else. I just want to be consumed by floodlights.

I am a failure in almost every way. In all the ways that matter to me personally, I am utterly, completely, unsuccessful. Thought it would have blown over by now but...yeah here we are. I'm about to be a full grown adult and I don't have a job, I don't have my license, I'm not capable of coping with fucking anything, I don't have any money, I am growing bitter angry and hateful of people (because I have so much hate for myself but I know if I direct it all at myself, I will fuck up my grades even more, become suicidal again, or make my depression or dissociative episodes even worse. There's too many people I can't let down.), and I can't make any friends, I am just toxic all around.

My relationship with Alex is doing good though. I'm so fucking lucky that he even took me back after cutting him off like that. I had no reason except for my own ego. It's just disgusting. I love him. I treasure him always. Just being in love is hard. It's reminder of my mother, of my sisters, of my dad, of all of the beautiful people I will never talk to again. Every one of those people is so damn painful to think about.

I am so negative. Like this journal entry alone is just fucking filled with stupid negativity. It's an accurate representation of what I think about too and that's the sad part. What a deadbeat.
I have become all I had hoped I would never become.
I can't coast anymore.
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(Having gone back to read this, I see now that I was being VERY hard on myself, like I usually am. I was admittedly crying throughout writing this journal entry. I thought maybe it would help-no dice lol. This is something I should work on, huh. Just a lil note.)