Sleeping Beauty

May 19, 2015

"Mackenzie," Abby yelled at me again. "Point those freaking toes. I'm serious. And straighten the legs. Or I will cut your solo."

I'm doing Maddie's old solo, Cry, this week and Abby and my mom and a whole bunch of other people, like Asia, Paige, and Kendall have no idea that they make me cry myself to sleep. I try to put what I feel into songs, but I can't. It's too much for me and I cry even harder. They don't know what they put me through everyday. And not only crying, but I cut, too.

"Mackenzie," Abby yelled. "Can't you remember that side aerial. Do the dance again."

I started from the beginning. AGAIN! "Oh I-I geuss it's been awhile since I've seen the sunshine, since I have smiled. And we were so well-versed. It seems so damn empty. I'm at a loss for words. Forgot what it's like to feel okay. Praying for the days when there's no more rain. And I.......don't wanna do anything but cry. Oh and I..........I don't wanna do anything but cry." The song sang and I danced until....dang it! I forgot the side aerial again. I was to busy thinking about how much the music relates to me that I forgot it again.

"Mackenzie," Abby yelled my name again. "That's it; I'm pulling this number. Maddie, did this dance when she was nine. Why can't you do it? You're fourteen."

I'm done with this; I'm done with this, I thought, then said, "Abby, I can't do it because I'm not Maddie. And I never will be. I'm the one and only Mackenzie Frances Ziegler. I'm fucking sick and tired of you and my mom comparing me to her and now my school teachers are comparing me to her, too, because they had her. I'm sick of this. And hate it. I hate you and I hate everyone here! Except Chloe! She's my only friend." And I stormed out of the room.

My mom yelled at me for yelling at Abby when I got into the car. I didn't listen to her though. She was probably saying something like, "Maddie's never done anything like this. Why are you?" The answer to that question is....Because you and Abby keep comparing me to Maddie and I'm sick and tired of it.

Mom drove the car into the garage and I opened the car door and ran inside to my room where I, literally, jumped into the shower and stubbed my toe really hard and I cried for at least five minutes. Then, I got out and put on my pajamas and brushed my teeth. After that, I grabbed a blade and put it to my wrist and sliced two nice, deep cuts into my it. Finally, I flopped face-down onto my bed and sobbed, hard, into my pillow.