New Season, New Me?

The Bersten Household

"Bye Madison, Brandon will be over in an hour, okay?" My Dad kisses my forehead before he leave for practice. 

I slumped back into bed, slightly nervous at the fact that he didn't kiss my forehead at the same place he usually does.

I have to do certain rituals every single day. If I don't step out of bed left foot first, everything is off. I have to wash my hands for 55 seconds because 60 seconds is too long. I count each step I take on the stairs, and I double (or triple) check that my room and house are perfectly placed and cleaned. Everything is organized in my room in such a way that when someone moves something while I am out of the room, I feel incredibly anxious. And most of the time, I don't know what changed, but I know something did and it drives me crazy. I have to feel specific objects around my room a few times a day to make sure everything is in place, and to feel like I have control. There is a specific design and order for everything that I do, and I won't let it go until it is perfect. I can't let it go. I get these urges to do crazy things that I would never ever do, but I analyze if I am capable of actually doing them.

My thoughts get so bad sometimes that I cannot leave my room until I figure out what the place I am going to will be like. I ponder every possibility and situation that may leave me embarrassed or in danger. I am lucky enough to be able to get rid of those thoughts once I actually leave to go somewhere. But until I step foot out of my room and actually go, I think so deeply about the unknown situation lying ahead.

I hear a knock at the door, and Brandon walks in, thankfully at his usual time. But Brandon isn't alone. Hayley and Morgan walk in with him.

Don't get me wrong I love everyone that just walked in. Yet, Hayley hasn't been here in so long and it immediately ticks off my urges. Morgan put her hand on my shoulder, sensing something was off. I felt so bad, but I had to run to my bathroom, lock the door, and cry.

I timed ten minutes in the bathroom. I took a deep breath, opened the door, and stepped out.

I was immediately brought into a warm embrace by both Hayley and Morgan. I felt...safe? Which I haven't felt in a long time. I miss Dad's hugs, I just feel neglected, almost. Since the season started I've become such a perfectionist, but it shouldn't even matter since Dad never sees me anyways.