Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree!

Jeremiah 10:1-5

 Tim had been a very good boy all year and it hadn't been easy. There were so many temptations for a child to indulge when the list of things not to do seemed to grow arbitrarily and in direct contrast to all the things his young body most wanted to do. In return he expected monetary and material recompense as was his due; it was only fair. In eager anticipation of this recompense Tim was unable to stay in his room during the night of Christmas Eve and found himself, just at half past the witching hour, sneaking from his room and down the stairs.

A fat demigod in a red fur parka had just finished leaving several gifts wrapped in brightly colored paper and the lights from the Christmas tree shone merrily in the reflections of jeweled baubles hung from nearly every branch. It was a gory and lurid display of material wealth and it quickened the pulse in Tim's young veins. Knowing better than to distract or disturb the omnipotent fat giver Tim sat quietly at the top of the stairs and waited for the grinning barrel of fat to sift his way, albeit magically, back up the chimney and on to the next house.

When he was finally alone Tim rushed to the tree and began tearing open all of his presents in a mad fury of greed and naked indulgence. Nothing, nothing, and more nothing Tim found no matter how much wrapping paper he removed or how much higher he raised the stakes in his own mind. Gone were the ideas of playing new video games on new video game consoles or calling his friends on brand new smart phones. No shiny new lap top awaited him nor did any of the smaller boxes contain gift wrapped keys to the brand new bike lock fastened safely around the brand new bike that wasn't parked outside the front door.

It was nothing but sweaters, socks, ties, and something called a "stationary set", whatever the hell that was. Tim felt his guts sink as his heart fell right out of his chest. An entire year of devious scheming and ill conceived malicious intent wasted in pursuit of little more than a wardrobe update and a few bits of paper with his home address stamped on them. This wasn't fair, this was not how life was supposed to be, and god damn it someone should have to pay for the growing rage roiling in Tim's guts. Tim had done his part, he'd put in his time on Mulberry Lane, and his just desserts could not conceivably be the piss poor presents he'd just opened.

Well it was Christmas day and there was a fair bit of magic in the air. It has been known throughout time the power of a small boys wish, made at exactly the right moment on Christmas day, has a far better chance of coming true during those twenty four hours than at any other time of the year. Quite out of spite, and in a great deal of angry haste, Tim stood up, pointed his right index finger at the ceiling, above which his parents and sister slept soundly, and cursed them all "I hope you all get eaten in your sleep!"

A blizzard of Christmas spirit flashed through the room coating everything in a thick matting of red, green, and gold glitter knocking Tim right off his feet. Looking about in surprised fright Tim realized he'd pissed himself but tried nonetheless to see if anything was different. A quick inventory revealed the living room to be unchanged with the exception of now looking as though a department store had vomited its entire allotment of glitter onto it. Rising shakily to his feet Tim dusted himself off, first one shoulder with his right hand, then the other shoulder with his left, and then a third scratchy hand made entirely of pine needles and evil dusted a bit of the Christmas spirit off the top of his head.

Tim turned slowly to see from whence the scratchy hand extended and pissed himself again. The Christmas tree, the bleeding buggery Christmas tree, had come to life in the most hideous fashion possible. It looked as though someone had gutted the tree, cored it with the force of sheer evil, and then refilled it with the ugliest troll available on such short notice. The result was a pine tree shaped monstrosity with gnarled arms and legs ending in long cracking straggles of branches just sharp enough to tear long lines in the carpet as it moved and leave deep rivets in the wall paper wherever it touched. Atop the tree was no more the shining star of the current and popular sun god but instead one fiercely lit and gaping star shaped eyeball completely lacking in lids or lashes.

"It sees you when you are sleeping." The tree rasped gruesomely reaching out to Tim "But it knows when you are awake." The eye stared right into Tim, right down deep into his very soul and there Tim looked into the darkness even as the darkness looked back into Tim.

There was no time, there were no hopes, only the wet crunching noise as the tree gobbled Tim up whole and proceeded to extrude him back out in the form of a terribly maligned and much miniaturized version of his old self now strung to a bough by a ribbon of red wire in just the most masochistic fashion possible while still holding with the holiday's color motifs. Full, but by no means satisfied, the tree shuffled slowly as it tore a path up the stairs and into the dark of the waiting families home. In ancient times the pine tree had been worshiped and revered as a symbol of everlasting life. Tonight Tim had invoked the ancient tradition of this belief and cursed his family to die by its hands. One by one the tree ate them all, and when they had all been excreted back out in the form of terrifyingly gruesome ornaments, the tree went back to the living and sat back down. It would sleep until called upon again by the magic of Christmas.