Meet Me at the Boarding House

Chapter 5: Compliments at the hands of Death

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

~Sun Tzu~

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The big wooden doors creaked as we walked inside.

“Sophie? Hello?” Rose called, but there was no answer.

We walked into the living room, still calling for Sophie. Suddenly, I’m grabbed by something, or more like someone smelly.

I saw the hand and realized who this was.

“Oh.” I grinned, “it’s you!”

My grin faded as I kicked him and he released me. I spun around, grabbed the iron fire poker, and slashed. It went through him and he disappeared.

“That won’t keep him away for long. Go get the salt and matches Ro. Don’t forget the gasoline either.” I pressure Rose. She looks shocked, but then scrambles away to go get the things she needs. I guess I am the one staying at the house.

Just as I took a deep breath the smelly buttface shows up infront of me.

“Oh great! Can’t you take a hint?!” I yelled, annoyed.

I went to grab the fire poker, which I dropped, but he flung it away. Now I had no source of defense for myself. He started walking towards me slowly- I had by now realized that ghosts are very over-dramatic- with a psychotic smile on his ugly face. I looked around frantically trying to find some source of iron to hit him with, but I was now too far away from the fireplace to grab anything remotely useful. He suddenly jumped me, and I had no time to even move before he was holding me in a deathly headlock, a sharp gleaming knife that I hadn’t noticed before, held to my neck.

“I have to say,” I began, “I am very impressed with your headlock Mr. Richard Kaufman.”

The fact that I knew his name didn’t faze him one bit. Just then Rose walked by, heading for the door. She saw me and was about to run and help when I stopped her by saying,

“Just go! I hope you can dig fast!”

She just stood there for a moment, debating whether to go or not, but really she was just wasting time.

“JUST GO ROSELYNN!” I yelled and she snapped out of thought and ran out the door.

Now I’m left alone with this problem. I tried my tactics of kicking him like before, but apparently it’s a one trick wonder thing. I do the trick once, he never falls for it again. It’s a bit different than the usual saying.

I ended up sweeping him off his feet, not like that, and getting the upper hand. I slashed through him with the fire poker and he disappeared again.

For the next hour, I spent all of my time fighting off this ghost idiot, who clearly had nothing better to do than to chase a twenty-one year old girl around her house trying to kill her. Sophie joined me at one point, so it was two against one, but we still weren’t doing too well. fifteen minutes after the hour had ended, Kaufman had me back in the living room, pinned to the floor, with that stupid psychotic grin.

I honestly believe that when I die, it will be because I said something totally ridiculous and sassy, right before I’m killed, and it’ll set them off. Even when in a life or death situation, I tend to make jokes.

So as I was lying there with his hands clamped down on my throat, practically choking, with his face about two inches away from mine, I decided that it would be a good idea to comment on the way he smelled.

“You smell like roses Mr. Kaufman. What shampoo do you use?”

He growled and ran the knife along the edge of my jaw. I sucked in a breath of pain, but kept talking.

“Oh wait. I know! Is it L’oreal? They use poor little rabbits for testing you know. If I were you I’d stop---” I was cut off by a loud angry growl. He pressed harder to my throat and made another cut, but this time on my forearm.

This time I wimped out. I yelled out in pain and tried to knee him in the gut, but Nothing was working. I couldn’t breath, and I started to see black spots.

“Hurry up Rose.. I don’t think you’ll want another dead friend.”  I thought to myself. But all at once, the pressure on my airway was gone, and I started coughing and sputtering. I heard a scream of pain, and looked up to see Casper the very unfriendly ghost, burning. And then, just like that, he was gone.  

“Nice timing Rose.” I said to myself as I got up and brushed myself off. I then went upstairs to inspect the damage in my mirror. I would most likely be covered in bruises and there is always those cuts on my arm and face, but at least I wasn’t dead.

Half an hour later, Rose walked through the door, and breathing out a sigh of relief she ran up to me. After five minutes of hugging and inspecting, we were finally sitting on the couches in the parlour having a drink.

“You were so close Rose. I swear, if you hadn’t burned those bones right then, I would be dead right now.” I stated to her.

“Yeah. And all this in one day…” She looked around, “But I don’t want to leave. Because now it’s over, and we can just live relatively normally.”

I glanced over at Sophie. “Relatively.”

She smiles her beautiful smile, and we all laugh. She wasn’t going anywhere soon though, because we trusted her, and she trusted us, and I’d hidden her diary in a very secret place, where no one would ever find it, as long as we’re alive. Well, as long as two of us are alive.