When You're Ready (A Luke Hemmings Imagine)

        The way she always worried about others when others should've worried about her was the thing I never understood until the end. How, no matter how many times I would ask, she would dodge the whole "How are you doing?" question because she didn't want us to worry was something I couldn't ignore. The way her eyes would search around for something to change the subject to, darting from place to place, until she could come up with something acceptable. How her hands would go into her pockets or her arms would fold across her chest to hide them because you could tell how nervous she was by the shaking, and she didn't want the questions, or the way she would scratch her wrists when arm folding or hands in pockets weren't an option. 

        She never showed fear, and she had all the rights to be afraid. On nights where I would cry, or her parents would cry, or her siblings, or her siblings, she wouldn't shed a single tear. Sometimes I wonder whether or not she held them all in until the nights when no one was around her and just let them all out, not even caring what she looked like. Whether or not that is true, she never told me if she ever cried, but that would take away the strong facade she kept on for so long. Maybe she thought she would seem weak, like the disease won if she showed any kind of sadness about it. I don't think she realized how strong she was though, but maybe when you're faced with something that life changing, any small weakness is full-blown weakness, and that in itself is a sad thing. 

        I wished that things would've ended different between us, but things don't work that way, and i don't think they ever will. I wished I had told her at least a few more things before she left me that evening, like how much i loved when her nose would scrunch when she laughed, or how much I loved her sleepy voice, but her morning breath was a different story. All the small things are the reasons I fell in love with her. Her confidence, which she apparently never had before the night we met, how she wasn't afraid, but I'm sure that was also something that she never used to have, and how we could spend nights talking for hours. Conversations with her were never boring; she always knew how to make me laugh, cry, all around just happy. She also made me feel things I had never felt before. She was my first true love. Sure, I told girls "I love you" before, and even though I meant it, the love I felt towards her was so much different that it scared me, but not the bad fear, more like the fear you get when you do something exhilarating, the fast heart beats, the goofy smiles, and the nervous sweats. And that is something I hope to feel again, but nothing will compare to Allie.