Diary of a Female Soldier

The First Time I Had Sex

1.16.16

Diary,

So yes, I said I had a boyfriend in the past. But that doesn't mean we've been getting laid - we never found the opportunity, even though we'd been together for a year and a half.

Half the time he wasn't in the area at all, which was why he claimed he cheated on me.

Dick.

Anyway, there are many fish in the sea. And one of them by chance was the same rank as me. I'm pretty sure we joined the army together, but I didn't care much about him.

He wasn't the tallest, or the most beautiful. But the moment I got to know him - in the dining room - his sense of humor just pulled me to him.

He always found the positive side of everything. He was a good man who really wanted to defend his country, and he didn't care what will happen to him in the end.

His name was Ben.

I remember how I always laughed at him that he was the last to stay in all the training, but deep inside I appreciated that he always went on and didn't give up, despite his difficulty. I saw him as someone who could be a leader and commander one day, and I found out later that it was his dream.

It happened two years ago, when I was twenty-one. We met on night shift and talked-about all the things we would do if we were home.

"I think I'll get laid." I said without thinking.

"Really? With who, your boyfriend?" He asked, his brown eyes looking black in the dark. He gave me an amused smile and tightened his grip on his rifle with his right hand.

"No, I don't have a boyfriend, who has time for that?" I said, waving my hand dismissively.

"So why did you say that?" He asked curiously.

"Because that's what I want to do." I replied with no interest.

"Why don't we get laid? You don't have to wait to get home for this." He suggested.

I thought he was laughing, but I realized he was completely serious.

"Why not." I said after a few moments of silence.

After the guard we went to the showers and we did it there. I laughed at him for bringing condoms, as if he knew what was going to happen. "You can never know." He replied to my sting, not embarrassed at all.

Well, that was true.

I didn't enjoy much. It hurt and I bleed a little. But he did everything he could for me to enjoy. What can I do? The first time isn't really fun, not like in the films and books they're feeding us with.

I didn't came.

"Look," I told him after he came, his face is red and he runs his hand through his hair, which sticks to his body with sweat, a clear disappointment on his face, "we all know that in the first time you don't really enjoy it, it's a new experience you don't know how to contain."

"What are you trying to say?" He asked me as he began to put on his uniform.

"Meet me tomorrow at the same time here. Don't be late."

He raised his eyebrows to me, his eyes lit up, "Are you sure?

"What will add to that. Besides, sex is an acquired taste - like sushi or beer - you have to try a few times before you enjoy it."

Of course it took me several times before I began to enjoy. About three or four times.

And it really surprised me when it came. It's not that I didn't finish in the past - I have two hands, after all (I'm guilty. Sue me.) But I didn't expect it to come until it arrived, and that caught him unprepared.

I remember suddenly catching him and almost piercing him like cheese with my nails, looking deep into his eyes and screaming,

"If you dare to come now, I'll cut your dick off!"

He laughed at me and made a tremor in my body, and at that moment I simply broke apart.

That was one of my best moments as a novice.

It's strange that I remember it today, after two years. Probably because the anniversary of his death is approaching.

His parents invited me to his grave. It surprised me, but it turns out he talked a lot about me - he told them he thought I was smart and different, and that he was going to ask me out on a date.

The truth? I wouldn't object. And that's what makes the pain grow stronger - the thought of where I would be today if he wasn't dead.

until next time,

Lexi.