The Oh So Wonderful Ramblings of Hennesse Decker

February 9th

Sometimes I don't even understand why people do the things that they do. I don't understand how someone can just do something without thinking of the consequences. I don't know why I bother to do anything good for someone when all they do is screw it up. I hate people. I hate how royally screwed up this world is and I hate how royally screwed up people are.

I'm not saying everyone is fucked up, but my brother is, and right now he doesn't understand that his actions are effecting my family. I hate being the oldest and I hate having the weight of making sure every one of my brothers is doing everything right. I am a person and I can only handle so much.

Why can't anything ever be easy? Why isn't there a guide book saying how everything is supposed to be and work out? What did I do in my past life that got me to where I am right now? I try to be brave and I try to have a smile on my face all the time, but I'm done. I can't do it anymore nor do I want to anymore. I'm sick and tired of being responsible for other people. 

I'm not alluding to suicide or anything, but I'm just done being fake and pretending everything is alright all the time when they aren't. I'm not alright, but no one has ever really asked if I'm okay.  Everyone has always seen a smile on my face and that's what everyone expects from me, but what if I don't want to smile anymore? What if I don't want to be strong anymore? What if I just want to show everyone how royally fucked up my personal life is right now? 

I'm sick and tired of pretending everything is okay. I'm done saying yes to everyone. I'm sick and tired of being walked on. I'm sick and tired of caring. I'm just done.

I just wish someone can tell me that everything is going to be okay and that they would actually mean it.