The Moment You Doubt (a peter pan story)

3 - Neverland

I could still see myself, could still feel the wind skimming over my skin, but I got the feeling that Odysseus was right -- we did not exist in the same way we had before.

A swarm of bats rose up from caves beneath us, flapping and screeching like mad geese. Odysseus swooped down with a mischievous grin. I watched, trying not to be sick as she joined their ranks completely unnoticed, snatching fruit from sharp talons with no consequence. I looked down at my own hands. I could hear their echolocative efforts, but I could tell they would not affect me at all.

Odysseus rose back to the surface of the inky black pool of creatures, something that looked like half of a peach dripping in her fingers. She tore off a strip of the skin and wrapped it around her tongue. "Look," she said, catching my eye. "It's just off over there, all right? You see it, don't you? Now, I've got to go on ahead, but you just follow the light, yeah?"

"Wait!" I grabbed her arm, anchoring myself to her. "Don't leave me here."

"Hestia's looking rather ill," said she. "I've got to bring her to the lagoon. You're not allowed, though, see? So you've got to get on going. Just land on the beach, right on the coast, and watch out for pirates. You'll be alright." She gave me an awkward pat on the shoulder and then, with a sudden flick, freed herself from my grasp and whooshed away into the velvety night.

But I felt something, just then, too strong and strange to be overtaken by the ache of abandonment swelling in my stomach. I felt a change in the atmosphere, maybe less pressure, less density in the air, wetness, but lightness, warmth, but a warmth that chilled me to the bone. My head felt light and my blood seemed to rush from my heart on double time. I wished desperately for something to hold onto -- a rail, maybe, like I was just at the top of a very tall building -- but there was nothing, only free flowing space.

I looked down. The island loomed near, shrouded in a thick, glowing mist.

I recognized with a shock that we had gotten through the barrier. Odysseus and I, we were no longer creatures of a mundane, magic-bereft world. We had entered into this new thing. We had entered into her home.

Fear crept into my veins. I felt my soul tugging towards the island, its elusive lure yanking me closer like a net heaving a load of unsuspecting fish to the surface. I feared to be duped by the beauty of the island, but at the same time, I longed to throw myself into full trust of it.

Land on the beach, she'd said, and watch out for pirates, and then I'd be alright. The exhaustion hit me in waves. Landing anywhere, I thought, would be more bearable than flying a second longer. I had half a mind to drop myself down into the water and just float, let my sore muscles unwind, but I couldn't do it. In this place that was not my own, I knew that the only rational action would be that which Odysseus prescribed.

Neverland glowed in the deepening darkness with a living pulse, the way Hestia glowed in her bright vitality. Rainbows criss crossed over the hills like cans of paint thrown and frozen in dramatic bows. They shone with vivid color against the felty black of the night sky. They cut brashly over the cobalt sea that leaked from a waterfall strapped to a rainbow-covered hill. In my exhaustion, I hardly noticed the way that the water seemed to twirl away from terra firma and spiral away into infinite space. It didn't seem relevant to me as I gazed down at the island. Harsh plateaus jutted in the darkness like giant stairs, their details obscured into shapes like dark, jagged teeth. Fear wretched my heart just as longing caught hold of me from the other side.

As I drew closer, my body convulsed with private sobs. I clutched my stomach and howled as though I'd been stabbed, letting my feet kick in tantrum. What was this? What was anything? Who was I and who was she? Who was she to ask me to trust her, and who was I to say yes? I'm not who you're looking for, I should have screamed. I don't belong here.

The place of dreams and nightmares whispered my name, cool fingers of the wind pulling me closer. With every stride toward Neverland, the hills seemed to loom more forebodingly and the water darkened from deep navy to ink. I shivered, covering my mouth to stifle my cries. I could hear, so faintly in my right ear, leaves rustling below, bubbling from in the water. My stomach tightened and choked me; I wished for Odysseus, but she didn't come to save me, this time.

I turned back, looking for the faint glow of the full moon above, but it seemed to have been swallowed into the thick stomach of the Never sky. I spun back and let myself be consumed with panic for a moment as I tried to reorient. The island reached up from below, the dark sand of the beach welcoming me to lay down my head and fall asleep.

I made a mistake, then, I will admit. I knew what I shouldn't do, but then I did it: I began to imagine myself on the ground, cradled by the soft, warm swells of sand beyond the surf in the little cove where the waterfall ribboned to fruition. And as soon as the thought entered, I couldn't stop feeling the solid ground against my cheek, limbs unspooling in the salty air of the beach.

And as if to say, Careful what you wish for, the island yanked me out of the sky and hit me hard with the grainy bosom of its damp coast, heavy air holding me down. Pain crawled over my legs and neck, but the wind whistled and rocked me to sleep as I held the sand to my chest, weeping with relief to touch the ground again.