It Could Of Been The End

Almost over...

I was probably about 14 years old when I got into my first relationship. His name was james and I loved him very much. Although... There were things about him that made me question our relationship. He was very suicidal. He had scares all over his arms and unfortunately that influenced me to do the same.

At the time I didn't understand it really so I started hurting myself just like he did because I thought it would help me. It didn't really help me, but he acted like it did. James also used it as I way of keeping me with him. I was scared he'd kill himself if I didn't stay with him.

James took my virginity and I didn't want him to. In fact I told him that I wanted to save myself but he did things anyways.... later at church camp I told my friend Damien about James and he told me just how fucked up that really was. I didn't know it was that bad. I thought it was normal for that to happen.

Damien encouraged me to stand up for myself. I was terrified to break up with James bc I didn't know what he'd do after that, but Damien and my other friend Hali help me and stood by my side. I broke up with him and regretted it. He said he would kill himself so I got back together with him and the same shit happened so I broke up with him for good. I still regretted it.

This time he said things about me to other people and to me. He said I was a whore so that night I carved whore into myself with a razor along with more cuts surrounding it. One night he was texting me.

James: "You're worthless."

James: "I thought you were better then that."

James: "You're an awful person."

Also calling me a whore again.
I tried to kill myself that night...

Me: Good bye james...

  Just as I took the razor to my wrist a knock came to my front door. I was in my room at the time but I heard the knock and my brother answered it. It was a police officer asking for me...
When I stepped out onto the porch he asked "Were you trying to commit suicide?"
I wanted to lie to him but instead I said "Yes sir."
"Is your mother home?" He asked. By this time everyone knew my dad had died and my mother was a single parent.
"No sir." I said.
"Do you know where she is?"
"No sir"
My brother was already in the process of getting ahold of her. When she showed up they officer told her what had happened. James called the police and was also on his way to my house to try and stop me when the police caught him. It was after curfew so they put him in the back of their car and drove to my house. I saw him in the back of the car and only wanted to kill myself even more.

The officer suggested taking me to a hospital. I had slightly cut myself already but the cuts weren't visible. On the way to the hospital my mother was angry with me. She yelled at me the whole car ride but I wasn't listening. All I could think about was how badly I wanted to see my dad.

I kept thinking to myself "I want to be in heaven with you dad."

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I know that was very deep, dark, and depressing. However, my message from this is that I'm happy to be alive. I'm happy that just as I took that razor to my wrist I was saved. I don't think that's just a coincidence. Had I of not been saved I wouldn't be living so happily now. I wouldn't be making other people happy. I wouldn't of met all of the amazing people I have in my life now. Love yourself. Love your life. Appreciate the things you already have.

Later loves😘