healing | taekook ✓

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if there's one thing that taehyung is successful at, along with other things, it's giving me something to think about other than the mistakes i see in myself. while he does a successful job on that, i continue to fail on keeping his vitals from functioning properly.

"give it up, jungkook. i'm never going to eat."

"i hate you, taehyung."

silence fills the atmosphere after i speak. taehyung doesn't look up, he just trains his eyes on the ground and i can't figure his heart out.

"you make me feel better and when i try to do the same for you, i go back to feeling like shit because you don't cooperate."

"i don't need to feel better."

"maybe you don't, but i need you to."

"let me rephrase it, jungkook. i don't want to feel better."

there's so much stress and melancholy in his voice that it reaches his eyes.

it reminds me of something that albert einstein asked, "a question that sometimes drives me hazy: am i or are the others crazy?"

i used to think that there's no recovery for me, until i look outside my window and observe a boy in a huge sweater who's in a worse state than i'm in.

i used to think that we're the same and maybe that's what drives my fascination over him. we're both just kids haunted by our thoughts and we can't find an escape.

yet we're not even close to being the same.

past through all my self hatred and emptiness all over, i realize i wanted to heal. i wanted to stop and mend all the insecurities and cracks in my heart.

it's not long after that i realize i wanted the same for taehyung, and although it's all about being in control for him, i still want him to feel the peace between his thoughts and himself, and the relief that comes after that.

i can't say that it's constant. i'm not always feeling better nor okay and that's only how it is supposed to be; not entirely perfect, but surely a tiny bit okay.

"this is how it's always going to be for me."

"but don't you want change?"

"change doesn't always work out for the better, jungkook. it might have for you, but that doesn't mean it will for me, too."

"you can at least try?"

"you don't think i have? you see, i didn't make you feel better, jungkook. you did. you did because you wanted to. all i did was to make you realize that. i hope you know that at the end of the day, all you have is yourself to rely on."

"but that doesn't mean i can't have you, too, right?"

"no, it doesn't."

everyday at approximately twelve noon, i watch a boy while he takes his peculiar walks in front of my house.

he wears these oversized sweaters or hoodies everyday which strikes a weak hit on my chest for unknown reasons.

i used to think he saves me from the unnecessary thoughts that i have of myself, and most of the time he does, but he always tells me one thing that i will remember until the rest of my days.

you are your own healing.

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