Stories I Want To Finish (But Probably Never Will)

Texting Twin Brother Part 2

My Asshole Twin

Emily

WE HAVE ANOTHER EMERGENCY I REPEAT ANOTHER EMERGENCY

Kyle

What is it this time?

Emily

THE GIRLFRIEND HAS APPROACHED THE MOTHER. KILL ME NOW PLS.

Kyle

What are they talking about?

Emily

MOM'S SHOWING MY FUCKING BABY PHOTOS. SHE CAME ALL THE WAY TO LA TO SHOW MY GIRLFRIEND FUCKING BABY PHOTOS. GOD HELP ME.

Kyle

I'd feel sorry for you. But I don't. Have fun! Xx

Emily

KYLE YOU FUCKER

9:04 am

Emily

Do you remember Gary Harrison?

Kyle

The Mormon?

Emily

Yeah. He's asked me out for coffee... I don't know if he's just being nice or if he's being flirty.

He's too freaking nice. 

He's always been too fucking nice. 

Kyle

You'll be able to tell if he asks if you're seeing anyone. If he says nothing about relationships, he's just being nice. If he does, he's flirting.

Emily

Remind me how you know all this shit?

Kyle

Blame Eric.

Emily

Alright... I'll do that.

11:09 am

Emily

Just found out that I'm going skiing in Japan. It's like going to Aspen all over again.

Kyle

Remember when to Pizza and when to French Fries. Or else you're going to have a bad time.

Emily

That instructor was awful, god.

Kyle

Yeah no shit.

3:02 am

Emily

I'm off to the airport soon. <3 I'm going to miss you!

Kyle

We can still text. It's not like Japan has no service.

Emily

It's going to be more expensive because it's international though! I'm a college student! I'm not exactly made of money.

Kyle

Have fun in Japan! Xx

Emily

Byeeeeee

12:23 pm

Kyle

I'm heading back home. I'm going to have to deal with our psycho family by myself.

Emily

You're not going to be alone! You have Ike.

Kyle

I'm going to have to deal with our crazy aunt pinching my cheeks like I'm still 8 years old!

Emily

Well, Holiday Season in Japan is fun! Did you know that they have KFC for Christmas Dinner here? It's like Jewish Christmas but better.

Kyle

Lucky. I don't think I can take another year of Chow Mein and Orange Chicken from Panda Express.

Emily

Oh yeah! Happy Hanukkah Kyle.

Kyle

Happy Hanukkah.

2:09 am

Emily

I'm going back to LA. I'm really sad that I have to go.

Kyle

I'm sure they'll miss you too.

Emily

Thanks for making me feel worse about leaving.

Kyle

We've missed you as well Em.

Emily

Aw <3

Well, I should be back in Colorado in a few months.

Kyle

See you then.

11:06pm

Emily

I GOT ON THE WRONG FUCKING PLANE FUCK THIS SHIT

Kyle

How the fuck did you do that?

Emily

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. I GAVE THEM MY TICKET AND THEY DIRECTED ME TO ANOTHER FLIGHT. I'M GOING TO AUSTRALIA INSTEAD OF AMERICA FUCK!!>!>!

Kyle

You booked it wrong, didn't you?

Emily

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE.

Kyle

What does your ticket say?

Emily

flight from tokyo to adelaide...

Kyle

You're stupid.

Emily

I'M SO FUCKED HELP.

Kyle

Good luck Em.

11:17am

Emily

This kind lady gave me a ticket back to LA. Thank god for Good Samaritans.

Kyle

Did you thank her?

Emily

Yeah! I'm not five anymore Kyle!

Kyle

But you have the brain of a five-year-old.

Emily

RUDE.

6:11pm

Kyle

CALL MOM. SHE'S SPAMMING MY PHONE WITH MESSAGES ABOUT YOU.

Emily

Well, excuse me for being asleep while Mom calls me.

Kyle

Call her NOW. SHE'S THREATENING TO FLY OVER TO LA AGAIN.

Emily

OH shit FUCK. SHE JUST TEXTED ME THAT SHE'LL BRING OUT THE MIDDLE SCHOOL PHOTOS. OH FUCK NO.

Kyle

THEN HURRY UP AND CALL HER.

Emily

I'M CALLING HER NOW.

7:00pm

Emily

Mom got Faith's number. She is sending her the Middle School Photos. Fml.

Kyle

It's alright, Maxx. 

It's not that big a deal.

Emily

MIDDLE SCHOOL WERE SOME OF MY DARKEST YEARS FOR ME KYLE.