I'm Here (Vylad x Reader) [COMPLETE]

Comfort...

Sorry guys not an update, but.....I just wrote something to tell you guys how I feel right now and how my journey in being year 9 has been.

Please if you have time and read it, but if you don't then it's fine....

~•~

Ever since I started year 9, I have heard so many times about my mom saying "Year 9 is going to get tough. You need focus and study more." Of course I knew that year 9 will be harder from year 8, but I wasn't alarmed by it.

I let everything slide and I was someone different to how I was before. I was irresponsible, careless and basically the worst person I could see myself as, but in that time I didn't realize...

After the first semester I thought that the second semester is going to be the same as the first, but then day by day, seconds by second i start to realize that this wasn't going to be easy.

In year 9 we have to take a national exam given by the government in order to pass to go to high school which is year 10. Now in some countries year 9 is already high school, but here it isn't.

Now before I thought that the national exams is nothing. I'm not saying it would be easy, I'm saying it's going to be like the last national exam I took.

But my expectations were wrong and my life starts crumbling down. The problem of me....is that I can't speak my own country's language. I live in Indonesia and I can't speak the language Indonesian which is a big problem for me.

An Indonesian girl who can't even speak their language. Because of this I highly couldn't pass the national exams because the whole subjects in the examination are in the language of Indonesia. There are 6 subject that I need to pass that are in Indonesian.

My mom added up lessons for me which is passed my limit. Every day, except for Sunday I have lessons or extra tutoring.

I always go home at 3:00 PM from school and here's my schedule:

Monday: Maths/Science lesson at 6:00-7:00 (I don't eat dinner before my lesson and have to eat after)

Tuesday: Maths/Science lesson at 4:00-6:00 or more.

Wednesday: Maths/Science lesson at 4:00-6:00

Thursday: Indonesian lesson at 7:00-8:00 or more (I sometimes don't eat dinner before the lesson)

Friday: Bimble (which is an extra tutoring lesson for the examinations at my school) at 2:00-3:30 OR 3:30-5:30

Saturday: Bimble 9:00-12:30

Remember that I still have school work and home work to do which makes Sunday my homework day. Literally I don't have that much time to relax. The only time I relax is when I sleep! And I sleep at 9 and wake up at 5:45.

My life got so hard and stressed. Until one day I broke down.

Note that I'm a sensitive girl. I can cry or be mad easily. This one night my mom and I had an argument over me having too much lessons and it was hard for me to handle it all. My mom....she's a person who doesn't see people's perspective and someone who doesn't have that much of the caring heart.

Like one time my try out scores came out and I passed both English and Maths while science and Indonesian I don't.

I was happy that I passed my maths and I was surprised that I did cause I wasn't good in maths. But my mom see it a different way. She was disappointed at me for not passing Indonesian and Science, she didn't even say how happy she was that I passed maths.

So the time where we argued, I broke down in front of my mom. I told myself that I can't handle it anymore and I just felt like running away. And you know what my mom did?

Nothing....

Her daughter crying right in front of her because she's having a hard time with all of her studies and she didn't do anything. Not even saying a single word. I was mad and sad and I wanted to die.

I wanted a mother who tells me things like "It'll be alright, you did your best." Or "I know you can do it. I believe in you."

A mother who have a caring heart....though my imaginations wasn't something to be compared in reality.

I don't hate my mom, I just wanted her to at least give me support...Even when I told her I tried my very best she didn't believe me and told me to try harder...

I'm sure when we were young we watch and know all of our favorite princesses and their stories. We wish for our true prince to come and we would live happily ever after....

But that time will never come for me....it sounds as if I'm desperate for love. Which I'm not, but in times when I cry over the stress I'm having I just wish for someone to hug me and tell me everything will be alright.

I needed comfort.

Sure I have my friends, but they can't always be there for me.

My life was something far from my expectations, something worse...whatever I expect or imagine, it never and I say NEVER comes true...

It's something I hate. Because I can't live happily if I think happily...

I'm not saying all my expectations would all come true. I'm saying that even the tiniest bit of expectations get's broken and I had to face reality...

Now, my mom told me that she will get rid of my phone because starting next week I have to memorize every single little thing.
I hate memorizing, because it's too much and it won't always help me. Because I also need to understand.

I'm writing this cause I feel like I need to. I want to tell you guys how I feel and why I'm not in the middle of updating right now.
Don't hate on my mom, she's just trying to do her job. She just doesn't know how to do it.

I need to survive all of this until March and even when I think about this I just want to cry. Cause I know that I can't survive like this.

I always ask myself why me?! Why am I the one that can't speak our language?! I'm so mad! Yet sad and depressed! Stress! Everything!

I always keep in my mind if I don't pass the examinations I get to stay in year 9 and repeat all of this....it's either I move to another school or I move to another country, but the sad thing is that i don't want to leave my friends nor family.

Before I was thinking on moving to America, because some of my family members and friends live there and I can speak English fluently.
But I still don't want to leave those who I love and care behind...

My life has been so hard once year 9 started. I was dealing stress and I'm scared now because I get anxiety or panic attacks from time to time and there's no one there for me.

I had to deal with it alone...the only time I get to calm myself is when I write or watch funny Kpop videos or even listen to some music, but now that my free time is limited I don't have the time to calm myself down.

They say life isn't fair and they're right.....

So those who actually read this whole thing, Thank you. Thank you for taking your precious time in reading this. Thank you all actually for what you have done to me.

Through out the year in writing, you guys changed my life, thank you all.

I love you all

❤️