The Pay Back

Heading Down Head First

I couldn’t pull myself away from Hannah. I found myself making excuses just to go see her. It was driving me crazy how much I was getting attached to her. I didn’t like it at all. How can she do this to me? All my life I’ve never been attached to anyone. Not even my mother who carried me. But now with Hannah I could hardly stay the day away. What did she do to me? I tried being with other women but I was never happy with anyone else. I convinced myself that it was just lust that drove me to her but even as I said it I wasn’t convinced. I tried figuring out what it was but the only answer I reached was lust. It was weird. I never felt that way towards anyone. Women were only there for my pleasure and provide materials for my tapes.

                     But Hannah was different then all the other women I met. For one thing, my good looks and sweet words didn’t seem to affect her. Maybe it was just that. Might be because I can’t get her that he becoming addicted to her. “Yes, and as soon as she gives in she’ll be forgotten”. Those were the words I kept telling myself. And for some reason I felt that she won’t give in. why was she so unaffected by me? No one has ever shown that indifference towards me. I was used to having every woman I meet shower me with attention. But Hannah treated me like a brother and it was driving me crazy. Why can’t she be like everyone else? I asked her what is the thing that she sees wrong in me once, and her answer surprisingly upset me. She said “you’re exactly the type that mother’s warn their girls to stay away from. The type that I surely get hurt if I fell for”. These words hurt me more then I’d like to admit. Why does it matter what she thinks? But whether she knows it or not, she has changed me forever.

                     It’s been two more months and I'm still in the same torture. I can’t escape her. She’s always on my mind, whatever I'm doing. I’m regretting everything I’ve done since I was a kid now; and I hate myself. Last night as I was talking to Hannah on the phone I ended the call by saying “love you” and I didn’t even realize what I said till after I hang up. As I lay in the dark last night I had to admit that it was true. And I knew what I had to do. For the second time in my life Hannah made me cry like a little girl.

                     I walked to my office with a heavy heart. I didn’t even glance Hannah’s way as I walked in. I had to steal myself for what I was going to do. I got in my office and closed my door and sat counting a big sum of money. Then I pulled out a pen and a paper and with every word I wrote my heart died a bit more. By the time I was done I felt numb with pain. I called in a confused Hannah and she came towards me slowly as if knowing what was about to happen. “Hannah I'm thankful to you for doing a great job for the past 8 months. Here is a little gift from the company to you and this is your resigning papers that I want you to sign now so we can get this over with”. I couldn’t bear to see the look of pain that crossed her eyes as I was talking so I go up and went to my window giving her my back. “But why? What did I do?” she asked softly. I just shook my head then it was all silent. Then I heard the pen being thrown away after she signed it. I looked at her as she walked away and she turned around and met my gaze. Then she said five words that made me want to run after her. “I had thought you’ve changed”. And she left. She left my life forever. The only thing that restrained me from running after her is that I knew that I was doing it for her. I was the type that she surely would get hurt if she fell for.

                     I sat there and for the first time since I left home my thoughts wandered to my mother and sister. Will my sister ever forgive me for what I did to her? Does she even remember? What about my mother? Will she still love me after she knows what I did? I put on my jacket and went down to my car. I knew that I have to visit my mother if I wanted the answers to my questions. I know that they most probably will never forgive me … but I will never give up. Even if it means scrubbing their bathroom for the rest of my life to win their forgiveness. Those thoughts haunted me as I drove back the familiar streets of where I used to live as a little kid. I had to admit I miss my mother and the old days. I realize now how my mother loved me unconditionally. How ungrateful I was and that increased the hate for me. I have to make it up to them.