Chasing love

That feeling

White sheets,cold weather,the smell of tea before going to sleep I love all those feelings but that doesn't matter because the feelings i want to feel need somebody to share them with, my name is Charlie I'm 19 years old I've never kissed a girl or a boy I hate parties People and sometimes, well most of the time I feel alone, I am overweight and I live in a world that thinks with their eyes and not with their heart, most of the time I like to imagine a world with things that are unreal like vampires unicorns and wizards, that's my safe place, because the real world has nothing to offer me, my "friends" are nice but I never see them and when I do I feel like I can't talk about the things I like because they don't like my subjects, but I wish I can get the chance to know them better they seem like nice people, but most of the time every "hangout" is your typical teenager plan people smoke drink play ping pong, pool or they talk about really funny things and make hilarious jokes that I usually like. But unfortunately I don't have anybody that wants to go out with me on saturdays or on the week.I am that boring I ask to myself but I never cared anyway because  I know I will end up with my typical plan that is watch YouTube and eat Vampire fangs gummies,I really like vampires and unicorns and wizards and and... I know this is getting boring but... this is about me not you,I love to have a moment in the afternoon to drink some black tea hang with my cat and think, give me sometime to process that feeling of loneliness boredom sadness and depression and try to turn it to a fake smile and a fake laugh.I really don't like that nobody absolutely nobody wants me except for my mom, my best friend, my Saturday friend that never lets me down never stops making me happy and I love that, the problem is I want somebody, someone that actually loves me in another way, a Prince Charming Edward Cullen Christian grey guy that I will never have, I will probably kiss someone at my 30s.Everybody thinks that I am psycho stalker that treat girls like shit, like tissues but really I don't give a fuck about their opinion, and also people think I am like my father and they say it to me, and trust me I really don't like people that mention the word father I have daddy issues and I don't give I fuck what people think, but.. I always end up crying like a baby.I have 7 cousins on my mother side  and on my "father" side I also have 7 cousins.My mother has a sister that is really nice, she is kind and pure with heart she has 5 kids that I love with every single piece of my heart and I would die for them,they always talk to me, my mother also has another sister and two sons but I don't see them quite often,like never but I don't care because they also don't care,the other cousins are nice but they are the same as the other ones.My aunts on my "father" side are really nice I have an aunt that also loves makeup like I do,the other ones are really funny, I really love my family except on my "father" but I would like to see  more of them because I am lonely as fuck.Everyday I wake up at 7:30, but I don't usually sleep at night so I sleep for 3 or maybe 4 hours. I go to my institute then I eat a salad and a Coke Zero I really like that soda, then I listen to music watch YouTube and read before my French class.after my class I call an Uber and I listen all the road music, dude literally the road lasts 45 minutes.I don't like masturbating because i don't know how to do it,i don't like to watch porn i like to read erotic novels,I love fifty shades of grey,beautiful bastard and I love vampires.There are not cute boys in class room and I've never been in love with a real Pearson. I only like Connor Franta or any Taylor Swift's exes except for Taylor launter. I am in love with fashion, I love Gucci and I love Alessandro Michelle's work specially with the perfume Gucci bloom, and trust me I don't say it only because Dakota Johnson is on the campaign, one time I was with my friends and a dude said that it smells like aunt, but you know what I don't care I really love the perfume I own every single size of the perfume. My signature look is a little bit of red lipstick and some clear lipgloss.I really don't care about what people think of me because they don't know me I am not that creepy crazy stalker,I am really nice Pearson.
So yeah I really don't care if people pitty me because I'm fat and I don't have anybody to go out.
One time I had this friend and we were really close,we used to spend nights chatting but one day I changed of school and she told me that we were always going to be close, want to guess what happened I always ask her to go out on Saturdays and she always told me to go out other time 2 years later and we never go out.there was also this nice girl we were friends since kinder. But WE(and this time I am admitting something I did wrong instead of complaining) screw our relationship,she used to always laugh with me and tell our selfs the truth, and sometimes I wonder where we might be without lies, we could be unicorns flying and eating candy.Then I had this "friend" that had a second name, LIES, she has a really nice friend tho,one time I was feeling like shit and i was starting to act weird, and dude when I mean weird I mean It, i used to cut myself In class, in the bathroom, in my house, I was cutting myself everyday.And I said to my friend some shit about us and yes used her and one day later I told her why I was doing it and she told every single human being about the reasons and guess what. She victimized herself AND even I couldn't tell my aunt BECAUSE somebody told her. I wonder who... but it wasn't her it was the people gossiping.Then I got kicked out of school because of my grades and HER.But let's move on.
This story stars here
I got up,I've only rested 2 hours and I was in a sleepy mood, I drank my usual tea,I called an Uber it took to to came, I fell asleep in the road listening to some nocturnal by chopin and started my day, I decided to create a tinder account , I thought you will regret that stupid decision,of course it took 2 hours to get a single fucking match but I got it and then I start thinking things that I shouldn't think, yes,those things, there was this imaginary crush called Joshua he was from Seattle,he has blue eyes, grey hair,he is really tall,hairless, he has blue glasses that match with his eyes.I remember how I imagined everything, rainy day long walk to this stupid event I agreed to be in, it was a movie event, I do hate walking, then I arrived 10 minutes early, he was 30 minutes earlier than me, I really like a guy that hates being late and I was there with my crazy face, he was talking on the phone, I off course try to hear as much as I can, he was in a fight with his cleaning lady, he was in a Harry Potter T-shirt, a Hufflepuff yellow T-shirt, I started laughingstock loud,how can he not start a conversation with the other guy at the cinema with the tickets for the event with the death hollows pin, I stooped asking questions about why and decided to talk to him then I said hi and I looked me for a minute and asked me if I like Harry Potter, I said yes and we started talking and talking about life. Then he told me he likes boys and kissed me, he bites my lip slowly and then he looked me in the eyes for a second, he asked me if I wanted to go somewhere private and I said yes,he puts Vivaldi on his car, and we started kissing, them he took my t shirt without asking me If i felt comfortable with my body, and actually I felt that way that day, he tells me I'm beautiful in everysingle aspect in the world, the he kisses my neck, and asks me to give him a blowjob, and I thought if he can make me feel happy that way, he deserves algo something, and I go down on him he grabs my head, and said thank you. I stoped imagine that story and I strarted to work on my class.Omg I just ruined my notebook with my drawings, ok let's focus I need to be in reality right now I am on a exam, but..., that whisper that feeling that glossy lip feeling with my lips,that is the way I need to feel, that feeling with the smell on old books,or hair burning with conditioner and cold water,that feeling of being honest,I don't like the real world I want to live there ,I want the world to change I need to start talking to people, start talking to an actual human being beside my cat. Let's give tinder a chance,just one, or well maybe two we will see.