The Death of Us (chealeaamaris)

"Death"..

A five letter word that impresses us all when it reveals yet another meaning.

Physical death is departure.. leading us to mourn and grieve over the permanent absence of someone.. but I don't believe that physical death is a loss of anyone.

Then there is a death set aside from others, possibly one of the more painful ones I have and will come to know.

This death is when you grow attached to someone, you allow your love for them to be fueled by the imperfect perfection of their being.. you mold your thoughts, personality, and life around this person and the two of you wouldn't be any closer even if you came from the same womb..

This person makes you laugh on a constant, the point in laughter where cold tears streaming down your cheeks andThe lack of energy to as well as capability to breathe are the only things you can feel as you replay their words in your head.. they make you feel such a love that you could never imagine any kind more perfect than theirs in a relationship..

They argue with you over little things but mature with you enough to open your eyes in seeing that the two of you are now able to resolve your issues easily and in a timely manner..They make an overwhelming population of memories with you.. memories that you will never forget..

They get on your nerves and you love them for that.. they never abandon you no matter how far their irritation carries them..

You are mended together and you grow.. There comes a time where this is no question of whether or not you will go on because you have simply proven to each other that there is no life with out the other person..

So to you it isn't even a possibility...

You sacrifice and learn to adapt to seeing your fair share of close calls in that relationship.. you take risks only for each other.. and know enough about each other to be one person.. Then this death comes along. This almost unbearable death... One so painful and ruthless that you wouldn't consider it tolerable if it weren't for your still living and breathing social existence..

That's when absent mindedly, they DO abandon you.. and they do take with them every piece of you that they ever had..

They break your routine without a single thought or even the slightest bit of hesitation..

They flip everything and leave you for nothing.. breaking every syllable of every word they ever promised to you.. every promise to keep your trust because they knew it was valuable and not just for the taking..They make your reality a mild night mare.. they become a death..

And you griev..

You get along..

You mourn silently and watch the world around you, waiting to jump back in to the current of life.. then you're faced with the absolutely heart wrenching process of forming your new life style.. stemming away from the engraved thoughts when you think of them.. The things you would normally say to them or the songs that were yours..

This death isn't a permanent absence that was chosen for them, no. And i refuse to believe the stigma behind its myth.. no, this death, this death is a voluntary loss... and yet it's not! Because you don't lose them..

You become involuntarily estranged from them and yet you are left with the memories that once were good to make the sting far worse.This sting, my dear audience, this sting.. goes on for a long time.. it is seemingly forever fueled. And who knows when it will go away? Or will it? You'd like to think so! You'd like to think that every time you forget and are fine, every time that you start to see the top layer of skin stitch itself back together under the band aid that it is okay but that's when the bandage is pulled off and the wound is re-opened.. At least the burning edges of the staples digging into your open flesh become a little bit more dull each time.. but they will never be nonexistent And you can only hope.. that one day.. When they look back at that moment.. that moment when they left, that they will have no regrets and that what they chose over you was worth it..

Worst part about it is that you don't wish this for them in a resentful way.. you wish it because you still love them.. because you would hate for all that was wasted to have been for nothing at all..So attend the funeral. Acknowledge the loss and allow yourself, no.. TEACH yourself to accept their death.. View the remains and empty the closet..

Teach your mind to stay with this new routine which you have been forced to create.. and go on knowing that it may always hurt but it will never consume you, cause you won't allow it. You won't allow the pain of bitterness to ruin the potential that you had going for you.. Live with what you have left... Over ride the sting with the memories of it being of the past.. Growing isn't about strength..

It's about wanting it.. and making the decision that you will do whatever you have to in order to achieve what is good for you.. even if they didn't..

Pain goes on and so does life..

But I'd rather be living than die with my memories.. You can only accept something so many times.. acceptance isn't the key to getting better..

Acknowledging that it isn't going to fix itself and that you just have to go on is the key