I stood inside the house, watching my mom chase Les around her backyard. It had been five weeks since we'd been released from the hospital. Cold weather had finally come to Osborne, and the leaves had died and fallen to the ground. It was fitting, I suppose, because that's how I felt inside. Dead. Les was the only thing that kept me from walking away and never looking back.
Those first two or three days, I'd been such a mess that the doctors hadn't wanted to discharge me. But the sheriff had stepped in and convinced them that familiar surroundings would be a more healing environment. Problem was, the place that was the most familiar to me was the last place I wanted to be. My home held too many memories of Lilly and my friends. I'd be grateful for those memories someday, but I wasn't there yet. Everything reminded me of Lilly.
The sheriff offered to let Les and I stay with him and Joann. Initially, their wedding had been planned to take place a couple weeks from now, but they'd put it off. Neither wanted to start their marriage with something so sad hanging over them. I hoped they'd reschedule it soon. My father-in-law had lost so much. He deserved to find happiness wherever he could.
Still, I couldn't take him up on his offer. His house held just as many memories of Lilly as our own. I couldn't even visit. Pictures of her were everywhere—as a baby, growing up, and from high school. Then I started showing up in them—prom, graduation, engagement, wedding. Then later, when she was pregnant, and of Les being born. Even the thought of seeing those moments, frozen in time, hurt too bad.
I stepped outside and crossed to the porch swing where my mom was now sitting. I hadn't even needed to ask if Les and I could stay with her. She'd simply driven me back to the trailer, followed me inside, and started packing our clothes. The new house she and Kieran had bought held some memories, but more for her than me. But I think having Les and I there gave her something else to focus on, which was good. And she didn't say a word about me avoiding the pictures on the walls. If it hadn't been for Les, I would've taken them down, but I couldn't do that to him. He deserved to remember his mother.
He would occasionally still ask for her, wanting to know where she'd gone and when she was coming back. The concept of forever wasn't something he could understand.
"We need to talk," Mom said as I sat down next to her.
I sighed. I knew this conversation would be coming. She'd been great about respecting my privacy and giving me time to mourn, helping with Les probably more than she should have. But she knew I needed time. She and the sheriff were constantly telling me that what happened wasn't my fault. That Todd had been sick and looking for an excuse to do what he'd done. And Mom reminded, more than once, that she was the one who'd actually killed Garret. I knew though, the reality of what had happened wasn't what turned Todd into a killer, but rather his own perception of what happened. And in that twisted mind of his, I'd been the problem.
"You need to start making some decisions."
"Mom, I—"
"Jack, I know this is hard for you, but you can't spend the rest of your life like this." Her voice was firm but gentle. She'd always had a way of being tough without being unnecessarily cruel.
"You and Les are welcome to stay as long as you want," she continued, "but you need to decide. If you're going to stay, you need to figure out what you want to do with the trailer. You haven't gone back to work yet and you can't afford to keep making the payments much longer."
"I can't work yet, Mom."
"The doctor cleared you to go back two weeks ago."
"I just can't concentrate." I watched Les pile leaves. "I can't quit thinking about what happened."
