Picture Perfect II

Chapter 3: Rock Bottom

"Are you sure you don't want me to take you to the doctor bro?" asked Shakes sympathetically.

"I'm good man", I responded while lifting my head from the toilet seat. He said I looked like I was at death's door. "You can't keep drinking like this, this isn't you." He pleaded.

He was right, I'm not an alcoholic but it made me numb, everything didn't feel so bad after a few glasses. I wasn't drinking to enjoy alcohol, I was drinking to get drunk and pass out; I was drinking to forget. I was even drinking at work now, stealing alcohol in between shifts, luckily no one noticed except, well, Shakes who warned me that he wouldn't cover for me anymore.

Every morning it was the same lecture, "You need to stop, you'll kill yourself, I'll call your mom, I'll call Keletso." I shrugged off the threats and continued to wallow in a puddle of my own vomit.

"I'll be fine, just go to work, I'll be cool." I didn't tell him I was puking blood the whole night. Well, I didn't care anyway, I bet death felt better than what I'm feeling. The boss wasn't around much so I got away with a lot of stuff like slacking off. I didn't even recognise myself in the mirror anymore.

He left for work.

For a brief moment I had forgotten about you, I kept myself busy with my music and poetry in between my drinking sprees, the guy in the mirror stared at me in disappointment, I had really hit rock bottom. My art distracted me from the pain though, the voices in my head were on mute when the music played. My craft benefits from my pain so I write better when I'm hurting, I suppose your devious ways are my inspiration in a twisted way.

All was going well, the tears had ceased, I was handling this better than I thought I would, the road to recovery didn't seem that long anymore. I felt nothing, it was emptiness now, I didn't hate you, I didn't love you. I felt nothing for you.

It wasn't until I received that "I love you Thapelo" text that it all came tumbling on top of me like an avalanche of emotions. The humiliation you made me endure, the lies that you told, typed and whispered in my ear. Have you no conscience? Is it normal practice where you are from to be a piece of shit? Did we perhaps meet in a previous lifetime and this was revenge for something I don't even remember doing?

And now writing doesn't help, the demons in my head don't just whisper anymore they scream and shout, even my music sounds like distortion. See how vile and evil you are? You poisoned the purest thing in my life and now everything reminds me of you. I can't watch our favourite shows without feeling guilty about not watching them with you. I miss how we'd rush through our chores early in the morning so we could spend the whole day binge watching the episodes we missed.

I can't finish dvsn’s Conversations In A Diner without tearing up. Everything reminds me of you, I smell your scent everywhere, especially when I'm in public so I stop to look around like a lost and confused tourist. Well, everything seems foreign without you, not even cooking is fun anymore because you don't pop out of the bedroom to wrap your hands around my waist so I can feel your nipples on my back. Even the activities that I used to do alone but in your presence feel tedious. I don't enjoy playing FIFA or Call of Duty anymore because you're not here to ask me a billion questions that I sometimes don't have the answers to.

I won't lie, life without you is like a Christmas without Choice Associated biscuits. I can't walk past the food market without remembering how much you hate avocado, something I always teased you for. Everything reminds me of you; whenever I type "K" the autocorrect changes it to your name.

A picture of the Eiffel Tower at work reminds me of your two favourite things everyday; France and your love for art and paintings. I secretly wished I'd get to propose to you there some day while we're on vacation and have a black and pastel themed holiday home; your favourite colours of course, with a huge acrylic portrait of us hanging over our bed; I had such big plans for us.