Picture Perfect II

Chapter 1: Disney Princess

[Sometime later]

"Find yourself and love will find you", that's what mama always said, I took those words to heart and always sought for self love and awareness. For the longest time I was lost in myself, in a maze that I had created in my head, so focused on me that I eventually lost sight of everything around me.

For 15 years I watched my mother submit to a man who wasn't worthy of her, for 15 years I watched him abuse her kindness, fine, he never hit her or anything but emotional scars are worse than physical ones; the psychological wounds never heal. For 10 years I watched my cousins, aunts and friends along with every other female in my life give and never receive and I never understood why, I mean, women are queens and should be treated like it.

For 5 years I watched the misogynistic and patriarchal structures within society manifest before my very eyes. I saw people in relationships believe that the opposite sex should get to dictate and you'd have to submit to their will. Open your legs, suck his dick, be there when he calls, pick up after him, cook for him, love, nurture and forgive because you're a woman. It's coded in our DNA to be servants of the male ego but for what? All in the name of love? In the name of feelings and emotions that could be rubbed off like fake eyebrows any day?

I should wait for him to mature and have his fun then be accepting when he finally fulfils his lust induced destiny of entering every female he dates before finally settling down with boring old me?

Maybe this is what ruined my view on relationships; when I was young I used to watch Disney princess movies and picture being whisked away by my knight in shining armour on a white horse and carriage to a magical castle where I'd bear his children and be a loving housewife.

I'm not making excuses for myself but those films paired with culturally entrenched beliefs damaged me, the misguided loyalty and patience of characters like Snow White convinced me to wait around for my prince charming no matter how long it took. I saw past the bright colours and cheerful singing.

Even the concept of a "prince charming" is sketchy. The notion that women need a man to be happy, "whole" and "saved" is primitive and oppressive.

Lerato always called me crazy whenever I picked her brain about things like this, in our first year we watched a movie together; The Beauty and The Beast and discussed the deep underlying (and negative) message in the film: The submissive and somewhat desperate role played by Belle, the lead character, practically imprisoned by Beast, whom she fell for despite his abusive tendencies.

Toxic lesson #1 under the stewardship of Disney: tolerance and misguided loyalty. Believing that your man will change, he just needs help or he's stressed because of work; nonsense.

Fairytales are only fairytales when the female is powerless and succumbs to the will of the man. Even though I was in a relationship with a guy who would be your typical idea of a prince charming, he didn't offer me much else other than gifts and aesthetics for social media. The high school sweetheart I had fallen for had been replaced by an iron pumping, self centred, daddy's boy who got too excited about being in varsity and believed money was the answer when he didn't understand the question.

He proved my point by buying me a car to apologise for cheating with my then best friend, toxic lesson #2: every woman is enticed by expensive items and it's okay for a man to buy jewellery or some extravagant gift to compensate for his lack of effort or as they dress it up "inability to show affection."

Needless to say I told him to shove it, a decision my "friends" chastised me for. The very same women preaching feminism on Twitter and Facebook, I guess their version has conditions?

The heartbreak fueled my passionate hate for relationships and reinforced my belief that they're nothing more than a waste of my precious time. I shut the world out and dealt with the pain my own way, dodging Muscle Man's calls and advances at every turn until he got tired of not getting his way and got himself an airhead to replace me.

Brought up in a world where men have options and women should be okay with that because that's how the cookie crumbles. These discourses have been socially constructed and woven into our very existence through various mediums.

Male privilege is prevalent and the only thing people hear when you scream "female empowerment" is a threat to overpower males. Gloria Steinem once said, "society encourages women to be victims" and I agree completely.

However, God has a very weird sense of humour, a few months after my crippling heartbreak, the universe decides to challenge my stance on relationships and men in general.

I met a rare breed and for 3 years I watched a man transform my way of thinking, along with my perspective on relationships. He converted me into a believer of true love and happily ever afters, I saw him earn his stripes, I watched him work his way up into my heart without asking for a single thing.

I gave and he gave, I gave again and he gave some more. He gave so much that I started feeling guilty about receiving. I watched him selflessly walk from his place of work to campus to pick me up every single night, putting his own life in danger to protect my own.

I watched my walls crumble and my doubt was purged. I watched a man who had stars in his eyes whenever he spoke about our future. Never in my life had I heard a man use words like "us" and "we" so frequently and with so much conviction.

He introduced me to Cupid.

I witnessed love, I witnessed the grass on the other side and it was vast plains of beauty that were showered with my tears of joy. I saw a man who believed in communicating like adults instead of exerting force to prove he's right, a man who loved me so much that I started feeling insecure about my own ability to love him back.

A man who was seemingly unreal and sometimes I thought he was too much, I thought he'd change after licking the honey pot but he was consistent, nurturing a blossoming tulip.

But in 24 hours I watched myself destroy it all like a wrecking ball, without so much as batting an eye. And I always preached that a good woman will never be enough but I guess neither will a good man. Wait, am I even a good woman? I didn't even go home for the holidays, I don't even know how I passed my last exam. All this self introspection is giving me a headache.

These earphones I have on so people don't talk to me aren't helping either or maybe it's the fact that I've been crying myself to sleep every single night for two weeks and I was trying hard not to cry right now. My body doesn't even feel like my own, it feels like it's failing me, it must be the stress.

I needed to pass the time while I waited impatiently, tapping my foot on the dull grey carpet, moving to the rhythm of the beat. "Hold up, they don't love you like I love you..."

My nostrils were filled with the smell of antiseptics as I tried to find a suitable sitting position on this uncomfortable chair. I remembered the last time I was here, by 9 years old I was a regular because of my tomboy tendencies.

I wasn't winning with this hideous navy chair and I felt like putting my feet up on the ugly brown wooden coffee table, I even felt like ripping those boring health magazines that were on top of it, everything is ugly, dull and uninspired in here; even the mean looking receptionist lady wearing a green top typing furiously on an old desktop. To add insult to injury, the old fashioned television that hung in one corner of the room was displaying those boring funeral cover commercials. We get it, we're all going to die, stop reminding us.

At least I had my music to calm my nerves so I wouldn't have to interact with the world, the irony of it all is that I'm listening to Beyoncé's Lemonade and I can relate to the lyrics but I'm not even the victim here: I'm the Jay-Z in this situation, I'm the villain. What have I turned into? He hasn't answered a single call, I've left countless messages, I just want to see him, I just want to say I'm sorry. The way his friends look at me like I'm a piece of gum under their shoes... I deserve all of it I guess. I won't cry again, I won't cr...

"Keletso Mokoena?" called out a voice from down the passage.

"Yes?"

"The doctor will see you now..."