Light in a Prison Cell of Darkness

Light in a Prison Cell of Darkness - Part 1

Light in a Prison Cell of Darkness

A Short Story by: Kylie Johnson

Have you ever been so emotionally pained that you can no longer remember what happiness is like? That has been me for nearly four years. That was until recently. It was a dream so real, that you could mistake it as an actual memory! I used to baby sit these two wonderful little boys! There was Camden who was three and Asher who was only 10 months old. My dream must have played off of one of the times I baby sat for them, because it was so familiar. Well, the beginning of it was, at least.

I did my usual. I made them dinner, played pretend with them, gave them their baths, chased Camden around trying to get him dressed while he laughed at my obvious struggle, put Asher in his crib and turned his sound machine on, then sat down and read Camden a few books before bed. In the middle of one of his favorite books he giggles and yells, "Hi!" I gave him a sweet smile and responded, "Hi, you silly goose!" As I look at him, though, I notice that he isn't looking at me. He's looking up and over my shoulder. I remind myself that he is a three year old, so it isn't unusual for him to not make eye contact. Then he says, "I'm Camden and that's Sky!" Immediately, I freeze. I reluctantly look over my shoulder, but no one is there. "Camden?" I swallow, barely getting a word out. I compose myself as not to worry the sweet smiling little boy in front of me. "Who are you talking to?" I say with a half smile, barely able to slow my breathing. "His name is Parker!" I gulp. Parker was the name of my boyfriend, who I killed in a car accident that was my fault. I was too focused on changing the stupid radio station, all because I didn't like what he changed it to, that I didn't realize we were veering off the road and headed straight for a tree! Tears start welling up as I am immediately filled with sadness and guilt. "Camden? What does Parker look like?" I ask, trying not to let the tears fall. "His hair is dark and he looks like daddy!" "Parker?" I whisper to myself, unable to stop the tears from falling. Camden's father has the kindest rarest smile and Parker had that same smile, so I didn't doubt for a second that it was him. I finally get a grip, kiss Camden on the forehead, tuck him in, turn on his sleepy time radio, and leave the door cracked to let in some light for him.

As I walk down stairs, I hear Camden shout, "Goodnight Sky! Goodnight, Parker!" Am I going crazy? Is this all in my head? It must be! While I walk through the house cleaning the little messes we made, I feel as if I am being followed around. I knew in my heart, that I didn't just imagine any of that. It happened. It even felt as if Parker was actually there I just couldn't see him. I wasn't scared though, I almost felt happy, but anytime that feeling came I reminded myself of what I did. I'm still upset that they only sent me to Prison for a year, even though that was my doing as well. I shouldn't have taken the plea bargain! I should have just dealt with the consequences! After all, I deserve even worse of a punishment than rotting in a jail cell! But, no I was too scared to go to prison. I only ever heard of bad things happening there. I never once thought, during trial, that maybe I actually deserved it! Up to ten years? That's nothing compared to the fact that Parker will never get to live another ten years!

At this point I realize there is nothing left to clean. I take a deep breath and reach for the locket Parker gave me for our two year anniversary, only a few days before he died. "No. No please, no!" I exclaim. It's gone. Where? It has to be in the house, I had it on when I looked in the hallway mirror only minutes after arriving! I frantically retrace all my steps with no success. Camden's room! It has to be in there! I tip toe quietly up the stairs, because Asher is a light sleeper and his room is at the top of the wooden creaking staircase. A board creaks obnoxiously loud under my foot. "Great. Whose bright idea was it to put the babies' room at the top of a creaky stair case?" I whisper begrudgingly to myself. I successfully reach the top without waking Asher and get to Camden's room at the end of the hall. Turning on my phone light, I enter his room as quietly as possible. Good. He's sound asleep. Unlike his brother, he could sleep through a NASCAR race! As I am looking around, with no luck I realize his shower is running, in the bathroom connecting his and Asher's rooms. I almost didn't notice it because his radio was on. Steam is coming out of his bathroom! What? Don't tell me he played with the shower before he went to bed! Ugh! These little boys are sweethearts, but they're still little boys! Agitated, I rush into the bathroom to turn off the shower then go over to him and feel his hair and pajamas. He's dry.

I walk back into the bathroom to investigate. The knob was almost impossible to turn, I suddenly realize. So even if he tried, he would not have been able to turn it on, let alone turn it to the hottest setting. Puzzled, I turn around to notice that the water had been on long enough to fog up the mirror. Wait. I double back to look at the mirror for longer than a second. Chills run down my spine as I'm frozen in place. Again, my eyes fill with tears. Written in the fog on the mirror was, "I forgive you. I love you. I will always be with you," signed "Parker" with a heart beside his name. It was definitely his hand writing. Falling to the ground, I can't help but cry hysterically. No longer concerned with waking the boys, I cry out, "Why? How could you love someone responsible for taking your life?" Immediately as if he was alive, I feel a warm embrace. Just like the one he gave me when I told him my loving grandmother had passed away. So comforting so unique that I knew it was Parker. "Thank you." I mutter, barely getting words out. "I love you." I say naturally as if he was truly there, in person. Then I see it. On the counter was my locket, opened to reveal the picture of him and I. Parker on the left side of the locket, giving the sweetest grin. He had the kindest brown eyes! And me on the other side smiling holding the locket as he had just given it to me. He was able to minimize the picture and cut it in half just right, to where you can tell it is just one picture even though it was separated to fit into the inserts in the locket. He put the pictures in the day after he gave it to me, always quick to get things done! That was my Parker; my sweet, sweet, reliable Parker.

Oddly enough, I never took the locket off while giving Camden and Asher a bath, so I know I didn't put it there, yet it didn't bother me, because I know it was Parker who did it. It was exactly how he surprised me on our first anniversary, only with sun flowers and an invitation to picnic with him, just sitting on my bathroom counter. Finally, I felt at peace since the accident. I smile a bit as I pick up the locket. I kiss his picture gently and hold the locket to my heart. I miss him. I miss him like crazy! Surprisingly the boys didn't wake up. Not even Asher. I walk down stairs and sit down on the couch replaying all the beautiful memories parker and I shared as I slowly drift to sleep, or was I already asleep?

Bzzzzz! I hear the sound of my prison cell opening. "Cell check!" the guard yells. I get up slowly and make my way out and to the right of my cell with my back against the wall. This is the first time in over three years that I have woken up at peace. I know that Parker was trying to reach me in my dream to comfort me and tell me that it was alright. It's time for me to start living my life, again. He might not be able to anymore, but I know I can live mine with as much love as my heart can handle! He wouldn't be proud of me knowing that all I was doing was moping around. So, living through love is what I will do from now on. I only have seven years left until I'm free, but that is seven years to learn how to love again. At this point of my newfound revelation, I realize the guard is staring at me with confusion. "Johansson! What are you smiling at? You can't possibly have anything to smile about." It is a rule that you have to answer no matter how rhetorical the question is. "I um.." I stop and think for a second. "Thank you for your hard work, sir." Even more confused, he walks away trying to hide his slight grin. I could tell he was blushing. It was actually kind of cute. I never realized how handsome he was! Man, I guess I didn't realize how down and out I had been that I never even memorized what my guard looked like. But, that's not important. Well, actually, maybe one day it will be. That's a story for another time.

Anyways, after three years living in emotional solitude I felt free, even within the prison walls! Walking outside for the thirty minutes we have of fresh air every day, I looked up at the tree line. The sun was setting and it was an orange pinkish color just over the tree line causing the clouds to look like cotton candy. Peace. That is what I felt. "Thank you, God." I say to the sky as if that was where he was. I knew he was the reason I was feeling the joy that I longingly wished for over the course of three years. I bow my head, "Thank you, God." I say again, closing my eyes and breathing in the fresh air.