Everything Has Changed

Chapter Nineteen: Lists

The pic on the side is the other one <3

*****

Chapter Nineteen: Lists

I sit on the beach, staring at my new laptop that I got on craigslist. It's a MacBook Pro and I got it for five hundred bucks.

I'm in Microsoft word with a column up.

I'm making a list because that's what my therapist told me to do.

One side is labeled; reasons to be in love with Danny

The other side is labeled; reasons not to be in love with him

She also knows I like to write a little bit so she asked me to write something about him.

I decided to start with the list.

I click on the reasons not to be in love with him side, but after staring at the page, I switch over to the other side and start listing.

Funny

Smart

Attractive

Loves me

The smile that reaches his eyes

The raspy laugh

His music taste is A++

The cute face he makes when he's trying to imitate a voice or sound

Freckles

His eyes are warm and homey

There isn't another person on earth that I feel safer with

He has been there for me for everything

He puts my wellbeing/happiness above his own

He gives good hugs

I stare at the list for a long time.

How did I just come up with this off the top of my head?

I sigh and pull my sweater tighter around my body. It's in the forties here and the beach is practically vacant, but where I'm from this time of year, there would be snow covering the sand.

It's Thanksgiving break and we haven't spoken a word in a month in three days.

We've never gone that long without talking to each other, and I miss him. I miss him so much, it hurts to breathe.

I start on the reasons not to side.

If we fail we could ruin everything

Change

I'm scared to love because what if he goes haywire like my mom

And that's it. I'm out of ideas.

I switch back to the other side.

And I just think about him.

I think about his long eyelashes. I think about his eyes and how they remind me of an entire galaxy and how they turn to a weird shade of green when he's upset. I think of his smile and the crinkles by his eyes, and the freckles on his cheeks. I think about the birthmark on his shoulder and his hugs.

He's such a good hugger.

I add to the pro side:

He would never hurt me/our kids the way my Mom did to me

Every time I think about being genuinely happy, I'm with him

He has a nice bod ok?

I open another tab and stare at the empty page.

She wanted me to write something about him, something I felt in my heart.

You told me you were jealous of the wind like that Labrinth song, and I knew why.

You were jealous of the wind because it's with me. It ruffles through my hair and messes up my clothes.

I knew why, but I didn't understand until now.
I'm jealous of the moon, because it knows all of your midnight secrets.

I'm jealous of your sheets who get to lie with you, because you keep them warm and cozy, like you used to do for me whenever I needed.

But the sun? I'm the most jealous of the sun, because it gets to see you when you first wake up, and you do that cute morning stretch with the animal sound. It gets to ride in the car with you durning your car rides, watching as you mess with the radio until you settle on a station. It gets to walk with you down the beach, and it gets to laugh when you drop all of your coins on the ground in the middle of Old Navy. It gets to watch when your cheeks turn pink as you scramble to pick up the quarters, all because you wanted one of those big bouncy balls from the machine.

I press enter a couple of times and start spilling all of my feelings onto the page.

I miss you. I miss the way you walk. I miss the way you talk. I miss the way you breathe. I miss your presence, because I feel safe around you. I miss you so much

I scroll all the way back up to the top and add something to the con list.

You don't want me. I'm a mess. I cry at pictures of cute animals, I scream when I see a dog, I bought a sticky trap and caught a moth and I felt bad and wanted to release it.

Some days I'm happy and other days I can't get out of bed.

You don't want me, and you deserve a lot better than a girl who can't watch a movie without crying

You deserve somebody who has both parents and a big family and has something going for her.

You deserve so much better than me

At that, I slam my laptop lid shut and wipe my tears, my eyes flitting around nervously. I feel relieved when I see nobody is seeing me cry.

I grab my sheet off the ground and start walking towards the street.

I hit the button for the crosswalk and wait until the white person shows up saying I can walk, and then dart across the street.

But when I reach my Jeep parked where I work, I see a folded blanket on my hood with a piece of paper taped to it.

It's a typed note.

Hope you get this before somebody else takes it

Noticed you've been going to the beach a lot lately so I ordered this

It's blue, white, grey and black.

It's cute.

I sniffle and unlock my car, throwing my belongings inside.

I can already tell that this therapy session I have later is going to be really long.

*****

I really should listen to happier music when I write this because all I did was cry

~Sam