Unheard Soul

Carnival

1/21/17

9:53 a.m. 

The carnival has just arrived, they finished setting up about 2 days ago. The 2nd night that it was open, I was at my grandmother's house. From afar, I saw the light from the industrial bulb wave through the sky. 

I froze. 

Suddenly, sadness swept over me, and I lowered my head in shame, as if I did something wrong, but I didn't. I just suddenly became melancholic, and a bit of nostalgic depression came flooding back to me. At the same, despair also had made its way into my mind, but because of the new found problems I had addressed last year. A certain memory of me in 5th grade replayed, and I saw myself smiling and walking with my mother through the crowds of people. It was cold, I remember I had insisted of wearing shorts. The stinging sensation of the cold air blowing against my skin could not compare to the warm, fuzzy feeling I had in my body. 

Happiness.

It was so exhilarating to see the flashing lights, laughter, music, people having a gracious amount of fun, and I was joining in. 

I was excited. 

When I came back to reality, I was just sitting in my mother's car, quietly weeping. The feeling the memories bought me were swept away in an instant. I had just realized, I haven't gone to the carnival in 6 years. Actually, I haven't done anything fun like that in a while. 

I never liked going anywhere, but I could see why I was excited. I was finally away from it all. At that time, I had recently moved to a new school named Escobar Rios. I was pulled away from my grandmother and my aunt who practically raised me while my mother battled with depression. 

This new school wasn't that focused on educating kids, it was more like a day-care. 11/12 year old kids were in my grade level, which was 5th grade. But as soon as I walked through the door, I was exposed to things that never even crossed my mind, given that this was an elementary. I knew exactly then and there that I didn't fit in, not because I was new.

I was innocent. 

During the course of the year, I was subjected to total mental abuse that came from bullying. I was made to feel unworthy, stupid, ugly, useless. I did not stand up for myself, I'd let people walk all over me, trash me and humiliate me. All because I was confused as to how children as small as they were, be so vicious and cruel. 

Just how?

I was shy and reserved, they had no reason to pick on me. The only reason was because I was just there. 

If you talked, you would get noticed. If you didn't, you attracted even more attention. That's just who I was, an introvert. And because they knew they could say whatever they wanted without me reacting, they'd do it. I didn't deserve it, but I was worth teasing and bullying.

Even into middle school, my friends were limited and the bullying was excessive. 

And when I sit in my room, I think about the carnival and how I was able to feel great for one night. But now I'm all alone and have no one to take me to the carnival. 

~B