Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain
