It All Started With A Kiwi

A/N: Explination

Hey guys, a bit ago I updated my story and in the AN I started explains things and I said I was gonna make this.

I'm gonna explain my entire life story so get ready.

March 27th, 2003 is when I was born. Or the day that hell started for me.

I never had a happy childhood. My parents always argued and when I tried to break it up, they blamed it on me. Then they'd continue to yell at me. I was at least 5. That's the earliest I can remember. Anyway, every time they'd yell at me and we were at home I'd run up to my room and look up how to get new parents on my computer.

I wasn't, and still isn't, the skinniest person on the planet. Last time I weighed myself I was almost 300 pounds. I was depressed when I was little and the depression has stuck with me my whole life. My weight and parents was one of the reasons why I was depressed but the major reason was really my "father". I put quotes around that because I don't consider him as one. He's abusive, an alcoholic, and a drug addict. He never really hit me but he's hit my mom. As of right now we don't live with him.

When my mom actually had a job, she'd sometimes work when I was supposed to be getting out of school. I was in the first grade at least. My "father" rarely picked me up. I remember the one of the first times he was supposed to pick me up but he wasn't there. My friends walked home by themselves and their house was on the way to mine but, I didn't go with them. I figured he'd be a few minutes late. My friends left and I waited. After 10 minutes of waiting I walked into the office and called him. No answer. I continued calling him but got nothing each time. Only his voicemail. I gave up and walked back outside and wait 5 more minutes before I started running home. I ran the majority of the way then walked the rest. I didn't have a key so I sat there and banged on the door. I was there at least 30 minutes before he finally answered. He got drunk before he was supposed to pick me up and decided to have a nap. Eventually my mom got me a key to the house but after enough times of him not picking me up, she quit her job. He had a job so we still got money.

I also remember that my "father" never really gave my mom money. He barely even gave her money to go to the store.

Anyway, when I was around 7 my mom got me, the dog, some of our stuff and we left. My mom didn't tell him because she feared he would hurt us.

We moved in with my moms sister aaannnd, that wasn't the best idea. After a few weeks of living with her, she kicked us out. Me and my mom got back from the store and my aunt was "cleaning our bathroom". By "cleaning the bathroom" I mean she was smoking in there. We didn't know she was in there because the door was closed. I was talking to my mom about the clothes she had got me and all of a sudden the bathroom door swings open and my aunt starts yelling at my mom about my moms half of the rent money. She was saying stuff about how my mom could buy me clothes but not help pay the rent and stuff. My mom didn't even see my aunt when we got home. This was the first time we've seen her. My mom had her half of the rent and was going to give it to my aunt but, she kicked us out anyway. We went and stayed with a family friend and after a few years we got an apartment.

Anyway, skipping to a few months ago. In October my mom had a heart attack. She's currently doing fine though. But because she had a heart attack she couldn't work. She had enough money for Novembers rent but not Decembers. She eventually got Decembers rent but then the landlord said he needed January's now. He evicted us a few weeks later IN JANUARY! Still bs tbh. We're currently staying in a weekly. And my mom has gone back to work.

Now, I haven't really described my mom. She's....okay. She's another reason why I'm depressed. She has major anger issues and takes it out on anyone and everyone. Including me. Before she used to take it out on my "father" but ever since the split she's taken everything out on me. It gives me flashbacks of when her and my "father" yelled at me and it gives me a panic attack. I get suicidal and I'll start making a plan while I'm basically bawling my eyes out and pleading with god knows who for everything to stop. I mean recently, I've liked school more than home. That says something.

Now, being suicidal is why I got sent home this Wednesday. I was in my 3rd period which is my favorite period. Well, one of three. Anyway, I don't really stress about doing my work in there because I know the teacher will let me take it home and do it. Imma call my teacher Ms.B right now. Now Ms.B is SUPER nice! She's a saint. I was feeling kind of down because of something that happened in my last period. I have this friend and all we basically do is insult each other. She said something and I just got kind of down. I can't remember what she has said though. Now, I wrote down my feelings and I had started writing down the lyrics to I Have Questions by Camila Cabello. My friends were talking to Ms.B and I was feeling really depressed so I put my head down on my backpack and starters crying. I'm a silent crier so people really didn't pay attention. But I guess I didn't hide it good enough because my friends and Ms.B found out. I stayed after class and Ms.B and I talked. I gave her the paper and she told me that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I'm gonna get through what I'm going through.

She brought me to the counselors and I talked to one. Let's call him Mr.S. He's really nice. I've talked to him a few times before. Nothing about this or depression. We've joked around a few times as well. Anyway, he read what I wrote and he asked me to tell him everything. I did and he told me a few things as well. He basically said was that he's only heard good things about me from my teachers and everyone who knows me at the school. He said that he was even surprised that I wasn't in his office more often. And he said that everything wasn't my fault.

Anyway, I got home and my mom was like, time to talk. I told her there was nothing to talk about because she never listened. And even when she did she'd turn around and do the exact opposite she'd said she was gonna do.

I've told my mom about my depression and me being suicidal before and it's always been when she's mad. When she's yelling at me for things that aren't my fault, I'll always say "Stop! Please! I hope you know this shit makes me want to kill myself!" Or something like that. And she'll always say "Good! Let's kill ourselves together!" Then afterwards she'd cry and make it seem like it was my fault by saying "Do you  know how it feels to have a suicidal daughter?"

And after that she said she'd never yell at me again and she loves me. I know the yelling part is always a lie and now I'm honestly starting to think that she doesn't even love me. My mom even made a suicide joke to me when we got home on Wednesday.

She had to go to the store and I didn't wanna go. I can't remember what she said exactly but she said something like "I can leave you here by yourself, right?" And it was the way she said it. And the fact that she was smiling and she laughed after she said it. I snapped at her because of it.

But yeah, that's my life. My mom literally starts a argument over any little thing. I asker her a question earlier and she popped off.

I asked her what she had done with something and she told me that she threw it away and she asked why I was asking. I said "Just wondering. "You sure you don't want it?" "Yes! Christ, I was just asking a fucking question. Can you hope off my dick for three seconds?" Then she was like sorry, sorry. And I told her I was just quoting something Khloe Kardashian said. I'm not a big fan of the Kardashians but Khloe is my favorite beaches of her personality. It's kind of like mine. Anyway, after that she was like "Oh" and she had this look on her face. I asked what's wrong and she said "Khloe's just......different." And I asked her how and she said "I don't know she just is." I asked if she could explain and she popped off. Then she went into her room and started screaming that Khloe was a whore and I was like, okAY BITCH!! YOU MAD?!

But yeah, that's one of the reasons I didn't upload this earlier. That and the new Disney movie Z-O-M-B-I-E-S came on. After all that I just fell asleep.

So sorry for not updating earlier. I hope I didn't bore you too much with this. I'm gonna go tbh. It's 4:05 in the morning.

Peace, love, and FREE HUGS!! 😘😋🤗