Wow, That Sucks

6. Struggling: striving to achieve something in the face of resistance.

There are a lot of things you can be certain of in life even if you're the most cynical person on Earth. You know the sun is bound to rise in the morning, siblings will steal your shit, and cars need oil changes after about 3,000 miles. I'm literally the most skeptical person I know, and these are true facts.

There are a few things, however, that you never expected to happen. Some people never expected to have children or get married or start taking drugs. I never expected to get turned into a vampire at a party. I never expected to start feeling things for my best friend.

I also never expected to have a midget put me in a headlock in the middle of my bedroom, but here we are.

I'd like to think that I fought well especially since I'd never been in a real fight before--tussling with Eren was absolutely nothing compared to this--but I managed to get about two feet before Levi had grabbed me and shoved me against a wall. Even though he was short, he managed to push his forearm against my throat, successfully blocking my windpipe.

I panicked and punched him in the face, clawing at whatever I could reach. The thought of anybody touching me again when I didn't want them to was terrifying. I kept getting flashbacks to that night at the party.

A well-aimed kick to his knees caused his grip to loosen the slightest bit-- sweet wonderful air; oh my god --and I rammed my knee into his stomach. He grunted and let up enough for me to squirm away from his grasp. I was thinking that maybe it was a good thing I was in my room--home turf and all--but then he grabbed a fistful of my hair and yanked me down, successfully putting me in the aforementioned headlock. This time he pushed me down, so I was kinda upright but mostly against the floor.

If this is what being a vampire is all about, I quit.

I wasn't thinking about all this at the time, though. My thoughts were along the lines of, I'm gonna kill this fucker. I need that blood. My face hurts. I gotta get out of here.

"Mikasa," he called out, but he sounded out of breath. Good.

Despite the blood rushing in my ears, I heard quiet footsteps approach, and I struggled harder. Nonononono not her anybody but her I can't do this not her why me please no...

Her face entered my line of sight, and she looked unsure of herself. When she reached her hand forward, I dug my feet into the ground, but Levi wasn't fucking budging. My shoulder was against the ground in such an awkward way that I couldn't use it to defend myself, and my other arm was stuck so it was harmlessly behind Levi's back.

Her palm met my cheek, and I about had a coronary, but it seemed... muted somehow. It was like the animalistic part of me was submitting to her, but the more human part of me was still fighting. Looking back, this made sense since I was deathly afraid of her--of what she could do to me--and I was in no frame of mind to think about this clearly.

Slowly, she cradled my other cheek and slid her fingers into my hair. The way she moved was careful like a mother comforting her child. "It's okay," she murmured, but her voice broke halfway through.

"Jean, it's okay," she repeated, voice stronger and more soothing. "Everything's okay. You can fight it."

My throat felt tight. It was a combination of the intense thirst I was feeling and the tears that were threatening to climb up even further. I didn't want to fight this feeling. It was just too hard. There was no way to beat it. The pain I was feeling everywhere was simply too powerful. Not to mention that I was still afraid of her, but even that was fading into the background as the struggle for my own humanity became the prominent issue.

Mikasa's voice cut through the voices in my head. Her confidence grew the more she talked. "It hurts--I know it does--but you can't let it beat you."