Wow, That Sucks

9. Pain: physical suffering; mental suffering or distress.

A/N: Yeah, for those of you that've seen what I've said about this story, the motherfucker is long as hell. I started it March of 2017, and I finished the first part of the story in November or October I believe. The second part is being updated, and I'll post it on here too cause why the hell not. 

Anyway, this is the beginning of the fourth chapter of Wow, That Sucks out of seven. Thanks for reading!

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Ever since I could remember, the crack of dawn has been my favorite time of day. Sort of ironic when you think about it. I'm nowhere near a morning person, and getting up is such a struggle for me. However, when I do happen to be up, I fall in love with the rising sun every single time. There's no noise. Usually, there isn't even a breeze. Everything is still as the daylight starts to peek over the horizon. Colors seem softer somehow--muted.

Maybe I'm just needlessly poetic. Maybe I'm rambling. Maybe it doesn't even matter since I'm enjoying it either way anyway.

I fell in love again the next morning. As soon as the fireworks were over, I left. I was deaf to the explosions and blind to the bursts of color. Distantly, I was upset since this only happens once a year, and I missed it, but I was still numb. An unhealthy habit of mine causes me to depersonalize to cope, and I was sure if I were to walk by a mirror I'd be startled to see myself.

I knew I shouldn't be doing it, but I couldn't bring myself to care. The numbness was preferable to the immense pain I knew I'd find if I let the feelings in, so the apathy was here to stay for the night.

It felt right to me to go back to where I died physically when I felt so dead mentally. All night I stayed in the tall grass, staring at the stars and just... being. Thinking was too hard, so I didn't even try. Hours passed by without me noticing, and before I knew it, the world was turning blue. Standing, I walked along the ravine, kicking rocks down and watching them roll and tumble.

The first rays of the day shot over the horizon as I sat on the same boulder I fell off of so many weeks ago. The stone was rough against my fingertips, and the humidity pressed down against my skin. I just sat and watched the world lighten slowly.

I bit my lip and was surprised to find that it tasted salty. Raising my hand to my cheek, I found that it was wet with tears. I didn't even know I'd started crying.

Did I deserve to cry or did I bring this all on myself somehow? I didn't know. Maybe I'd done something horrible in a past life to make this one so freaking difficult. Or this might've been God's way of punishing me for masturbating so much.

Normally, I would've said it didn't matter, but now I was starting to think it was. Whatever it was I'd done to cause this, I wanted to know what it was so I could stop. A man could only take so much before he combusted.

I looked down at the feet I was swinging over the edge. What would happen if I were to fall off again? Could I hurt myself bad enough that I'd die for real? Did I need more blood to help fix injuries? If I did, could I injure myself repeatedly until I starved to death? Would it be worth it if I did?

Spots of brown beneath my fingers caught my attention, and as I looked closer, I realized it was my own fucking blood--still there after over a month.

Tipping my head back, I laughed into the cool, morning air. How fucking ridiculous. Not even the rain and wind managed to erase my death.

And then my maniac laughing turned into sobbing, and I was crying so hard I could scarcely breathe. No amount of nails to my palms or tugging at my hair was helping. The pain in my gut had me doubled over, hands covering my face.

My best friend of over seven years was trying to kill me. Marco, of all people, was convinced that all supernatural beings fit this mold--that we were all inherently evil because of things we couldn't control. I know I certainly didn't choose to become a vampire, and I hadn't killed anybody before--and I never planned on it. My brain was in total disbelief at how he could buy into something like this.