Why I hated Messenger

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You have -15 days left to update Messenger.

Tiningnan ko ang app saka pinindot ang ignore. I don't have time to update, what i mean is wala akong oras para mag erase ng app para lang makaupdate nito.

I opened the class' gc. Mayroon ng 900+ messeges and its been only an hour since I opened it.

See conversation? Leave group or ignore.

Pinindot ko muli ang ignore at saka binasa ang messeges pababa hanggang pataas. This is my routine. Hinding hindi ako magtatangkang mag messege ng kung ano ano dahil hindi rin nila naman ako papansinin.

We are 21 in our class yet 60 ang members ng gc nito. Some have 3 or more accounts, RPW rather or some added their old classmates in this gc.

To be exact, my old classmates from the elementary, who transferred in another institution.

I'm not a newbie though.

This gc is like a a marketplace, puro asaran at chismisan. Magsesend ng memes, paminsan minsan kalaswaan at mga bulgaran ng sekreto. It is the only place kung saan hinding hindi malalaman ng mga magulang mo ang mga kagaguhan mo sa buhay, the only place I know where people expresses their own opinions na walang limitasyon, na walang pasubali at walang makakaawat. It is indeed a chaotic place.

But this chaotic place is my vent out of longingness. Malungkot ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit at paano. Through reading their messeges, I can prentend that I am with them, that I am the person who belongs to their team, and I am the person who is capable of accepting their flaws.

But the more I read through their conversation, the more I felt insecure. Why can't I be like them? Bakit na sa tuwing sasali ako, parang iniiwasan nila ang tanong ko , parang alam na nila sa sarili na dapat hindi ako pansinin, na sinadya talaga nilang magkwento na sila rin lang ang nakakaalam.

But there is no escape to this though. I am trapped, just like the light entrapped in the green house, a mice escaping from the cat's den and me leaving to this world.

I hate it to the point that I'm loving what I do everyday.

I hated myself for loving the same routine

I absolutely hate myself for trying so hard to fit in, even it means of pretending to be the perfect person.

And most especially I hate him.

I hated him because I love him

And I love him because he is different.

He is different for he might be the laziest in the class but still has the heart to defend his own rights. He is not like the other person I knew, because he believed in me when others dont, he inspired me to make something I couldn't imagine, he made me feel those butterflies, he made me feel that Iam a person who has a heart to feel what love is.

But also through him I feel what it feels like to stab your self numerous times, yung mga pagkakatong awang awa na ako sa sarili ko kakaasa sa mga bagay na hinding hindi niya kayang ibigay , yung mga panahong ginugugol ko sa kanya ay parang wala lang, at ang mga oras na nasayang kakaantay kung kailan siya mahuhulog hindi sa iba, kundi sa akin.

I was assuming,desparate, but I know that I have no chance. Kakaiba kasi tayo eh, kahit paulit ulit na tayong pinagsasampal sa katotohanan, pilit parin tayong kumakapit sa pag-asa. Kumakapit, humahangad, umaasa na baka iiba ang takbo ng panahon and in no time he can see your worth.

I know.

Hindi mo kailangan maging matalino para malaman mo na isa ka lang parabola sa buhay niya, sadyang kay lapit lapit ngunit hinding hindi magkakatagpo.

As stupid as my self be, I waited, for 6 years. Being patient and cautious. Checking my messenger kung may messege ba siya, kahit tungkol nalang sa assignment, matutuwa akong magreply sa kanya.

I needed to feel love. Even just a spot of it. Kahit na hindi buo. Kahit na maliit. Basta meron lang akong maramdaman. Kahit konti. Because Im this despearate.

And because of my desperation I blocked him, pretending I was angry in order for me to check if he really did notice and cared, even just a little spec, I would gladly unblocked him, immediately. Ganyan na ako katanga

But the more I read through the conversations of this GC with him, the more I noticed that he didn't even care. He didn't even talked about it. I was hurt. I mean who doesn't? I sacrificed, a lot. My ego was hurt, deep and badly.

But maybe because I was selfish? He doesnt want my attitude to be like this? Maybe I can somehow change into somebody else? Maybe I can seduce him. But the question is am I seducable? Or Am I capable of faking?

Teka, Bakit nga ba ako magiging selfish kung sa una palang ay siya na ang nakasala! Siya ang may sala. Kaya siya dapat ang....

Hindi It really is my fault.

It takes no time. The group chat with 60 members became 40. People leave, and its their own choice, they wanted to get rid a part of their life and continue theirs afterwards. They wanted to forget, gusto nilang makatikim ng kakaiba bukod dito, bukod sa mga bagay na pinapampalipas oras nila.

5 years have passed

From 40 down to 30 down to 20.

I am still active of this gc, so is he and so is the girl he fell in love with.

I watched them fall, i watched them happily in love with each other. However, Did they watched me seeing all of their loveydovies? Did they watch me as I watched them? Did they watched me bleed?

Did they even care at the first place?

I was naive and stupid. From the moment I blocked him, from the moment I filled my gallery with photos of him to the point that I have insufficient space, from the moment I always clicked ignore to read the gc, it was also the time that I drived him away from me.

From the point of something that creates a parallel lines, ako ang gumuhit sa kung ano ang meron sa amin ngayon dahil lang sa makasarili akong tao na naghahangad lamang ng kaonting pagmamahal at kaibigan.

I never unblocked him

He never cared

I pretended that I didn't notice

He didn't show some signs of forgiveness

I watched him fall in love

He was happy with her

I was never happy in my entire life

He didn't feel sorry

I graduated from Accountancy. Years have passed and I guarantee that time is a very helpfull aid in my broken being.

It was a matter of decision, a matter of thinking the consequences. I rushed my decision in terms of liking him. Ako ang gumawa, ako ang magdudusa ako ang masasaktan.

I know.

I hated messenger not because of the people asking me for something or the people who ignored my messages in the gc.

Its just because I fall inlove with the right person, in the wrong time and in the wrong way.

And that hurts for someone who doesn't feel to be loved by another person.

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