Only Yours

13

Sherlock's P.O.V

At first all I care about is that John has come back. I completely forget the months of pain I have endured, the months of confusion and sorrow over his departure. I forget that he left me for no good reason at all and I forget that if he really loved me he would have stayed. All I can concentrate on is the feeling of his lips pressed against mine, his hands on my waist.

It feels like I've come home after a very long and painful day. I can feel the tears running down my face, into his hair.

Then I remember.

I push him away from me and take several steps backwards. His eyes are wide, hurt and for a moment I take a good look at him.

Eyes are bloodshot and sunken, large bags underneath them. He's very tired or has recently recovered from a hangover. His skin now has a slightly yellowish tinge, his liver is not in the best of shape. Excessive drinking. Clothes are now too tight on him so he has been skipping meals. Needs a haircut but can't be bothered. Doesn't care about personal appearance.

The revelation he has been as, if not more upset than me makes me feel slightly better. But not much. I am too angry to focus on this. Both at John, but more at myself for doing that to him. Now he's going to think I am not angry at him anymore.

'Hey, Sherlock...' he says softly, stepping towards me. I jump backwards and hold out my arms. 'Stay back.' I can feel the tears brimming in my eyes and mentally shout at myself to keep them in, to not show weakness.

To not show how much his departure hurt me and how much his return is doing the same.

Because now I have a dilemma. I can either forget about him leaving me and let him come back, because that is obviously what he returned to do. Or I send him away again.

I have Will. I have Mrs Hudson. I have Molly. I'm not lonely. I would be able to carry on.

But inside I would always have that what if? And I don't think I really would recover. I would be forever hurting.

But I don't know if I can wake up every morning and see his face and remember what he did.

I make my decision.

'Go away, John. Go away.' My voice cracks at the end and I let out a loud sob, quickly covering my face with my hands.

'Sherlock? Sherlock, no, don't do this Sherlock...Sherlock, I'm ready for this now. I'm ready to be a parent and I am so sorry for leaving. Let me come back Sherlock, please.' stupidly I take a look at his face. Tears are falling down his face and he makes no effort to stop them. All I want to do is kiss him, stop his pain, but I can't because if I do I will never be able to stop.

Look at you being all emotional. Where did all this come from? What happened to the Sherlock who thought emotion was a chemical defect?

I do think emotion is a chemical defect. A chemical defect that has, against all my efforts to keep it supressed, taken control of my brain.

'I have to. You left me John. You left me for a mistake that I made when I was unbelievably angry at you. We weren't a couple. We weren't even friends at that point, after that argument. First thing the next morning I left her apartment and I had no contact her until William appeared. I have no contact. Do you have any idea what that felt like? I have never had a relationship with anyone before. I opened up my heart for you, I released all my emotions for you. I took down all the defences I have had up against emotion since I was eight years old for you. Then you left me. Do you know how badly that affected me?' I spit at him. I am shouting, I am screaming, I am crying as well but it feels so good to finally let all of this out. To finally unleash all the pain and anger I have felt for the last four months.