I watch as my husband goes over folders upon folders of files while his employees efficiently give him a rundown of the company's day to day figures.
He absentmindedly reaches down to ruffle Lily's hair as she lays on the floor, drawing brightly colored animals and impossibly thin people.
"Nanay look I drawing ikaw and Tatay and me! Tatay is makausap the two kuyas, tapos I is mag-play with the elephants and hiccocotanus!"
I smile at her and make her say hippopotamus two more times before she catches on and sticks her tongue out at me.
"Tatay o! Nanay is making tawa at me when I say hiccocotanus!"
RJ looks up from the mountain of folders, says a few words to his employees who then carries the mountain away before plopping down on the floor next to our daughter.
"Nanay just thinks you're cute when you say... what's the word nga babygirl?"
"Hiccocotanus!"
"Hi-whatatanus?"
"No Tatay! Hi - cco - co - ta - nus. It's the animal na konting ma-small sa elephant and a big mouth with big ipin!"
"Aah risottotanus!"
"Love, stop bullying your daughter."
Lily smiles at me, turns around to stick her tongue out at her father then bursts into nonstop giggles as he starts tickling her.
"Tatay! Stop t-ti-ckle m-m-meeeeee! Tatay I mau-ut-ooooot!"
As I watch the two most important people in my life roll around the floor, having fun, I feel something inside me shift. The last, stubborn traces of uncertainty and fear of disappointing my husband and child, the fear that I will never be good enough - all my worries, disappear. And all I am left with is this overwhelming jumble of emotions- happy that I am extremely blessed for having them in my life, sad that I missed out on so much all those times that I left them, but determined to do everything that I can to make it up to them.
"Nanay?"
"Love?"
"Tatay why is Nanay is naka-cry? Is she amoy my utot? Is only konti ma-stinky! Tatay... make na Nanay stop iyaking."
"Dei, Love... are you okay? May nararamdaman ka ba?"
Jay gets up off the floor, swoops both Liky and I into his arms then carries us effortlessly over to the office couch.
I smile at them both as I struggle to find the right words to let them know that I'm okay. That I'm finally, all the way okay.
Lily tugs at her father, whispers something into his ear then smiles at me before covering her eyes with her hands.
"Our babygirl just told me that it's okay for me to kiss you until you stop crying. Is that okay, my—"
Before he can even finish what he was saying, I quickly wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him.
We stay that way for a few more heartbeats- noses touching, lips just a whisper away from a kiss.
"Tatay, no more na kissing. Finish na iyaking si Nanay."
Jay kisses me one more time then thumbs away the last few tears that stain my cheeks.
"You're not thinking of leav—"
"I'm not, Jay. You're not losing me again. Ever. I promise."
"Haaay. Si Tatay naman ang nag-cry. So many iyaking!"
"These are happy tears, babygirl. Don't worry. Let's draw some more for Nanay, okay? What do you want to draw this time?"
"Hmmm... I gonna drawing kawana bear."
"Kawana bear it is."
*•*•*
Author's note: I have no earthly idea when the next update is going to be. I'm still not in good terms with my muses.
